Wednesday, November 30, 2011

That Whole Saying "Merry Christmas" Thing.

Since my previous re-posting of a blog post by my alter-ego garnered lots of praise, generated discussion, and resulted in at least one person referring to me as both a "nut job" and a "lunitic" (Misspelling notwithstanding) I thought I'd share another of my favorites, albeit in slightly edited form.

This one was written in 2008, when I had a different job and sincerely believed Americans had learned a little humility when it came to consumerism, long before people at WalMart were getting dropped in the name of bargain hunting. Enjoy:



Each year I write some harsh, negative overview of the holiday season and those who observe it with such blind, consumer-based fervor. I would venture to guess most of the vultures have come to expect that from me. It’s what makes me so dad-blamed lovable and, in a few cases, desirable.


I don’t really have anything negative to say about X-mas and it’s less famous siblings this year. 2008 hasn’t really been all that bad for me, despite the national situation. Besides, something has reawakened in me this year, something less gloomy and a tad more positive.

Don’t get me wrong; I am still an angry, disgusted, outraged individual. I still exist on the margins of a society that would love to dispose of me if it could only figure out how to do it. I harbor no delusions that life is a wonderful thing filled with yummy experiences and candy cane romances. If I’ve gained anything at all this year, it is perspective. Bags and bags of perspective.

So this year as I look at my X-Mas tree all lit up in the family room and the few gifts underneath it, I allow myself to experience something akin to nostalgia. It has been eleven years since my mother died and at least eight since I celebrated this holiday with any enthusiasm. This year won’t be radically different, but it won’t be the same either.

Perhaps my feelings have changed in contrast to my fellow Americans. Where once they seemed poised to plunge headlong into stunning and repugnant excess during this time of year, they have been forced by circumstance to reign in their cattle-like behavior. People are doing everything they can to save money, whether by shopping at discount and dollar stores or creating Secret Santa lists so that each person can only focus on one person when buying gifts.

I’m not saying we have become responsible overnight and stopped spending money on frivolous things. I work in an industry that provides the most unnecessary goods and services next to the film industry, yet its profits have not shown a single decline due to the perceived need on the part of the consumer. Good for the company, good for me, but hopefully it won’t cause problems for everyone else further down the line.

The struggle to get people to again say “Merry Christmas” seems to have culminated in a victory. Such a ridiculous thing, really. I hate to agree with Bill O’Reiley on anything. If he said water was wet, I’d probably set about trying to prove it’s dry. But when he said anyone who is offended or has a problem with being wished a Merry X-mas is suffering from his or her own neurosis, he was right. I may reject the "Christian nation” claptrap the Religious Right loves to spew, but the majority population of this country still identifies itself as Christian. Whatever you observe that isn’t X-mas, there aren’t enough of you.

So do us all a favor: Instead of finding it offensive that someone would assume you were part of the majority, simply smile and nod graciously or thank the person while pleasantly informing them it’s not your holiday. .Don’t stupidly boycott businesses and demand equal displays because
THERE AREN’T ENOUGH OF YOU.

When someone tells me Jesus loves me, I don’t yell, “And Satan loves you!” the way a certain former Jewish friend once did. I nod and thank the person. Who cares? He’s doing what he thinks is right.

This year people can’t help but get back to the basics of this holiday season. There’s togetherness this year than I've seen since I was young. There will always be those pushy, obnoxious assholes that think their X-mas is the only one that matters, but for the most part, I’ve noticed people acting like human beings again.

So I really can’t be a Negative Nelson this year, much as I might want to be one. I gots to keep it real and be who I is. That’s pretty disappointing, though, isn’t it? Maybe I can compensate with some blasphemous activities.

I will be working a full day on X-mas by choice, so that’s a good start. What else can I do? Santa and Frosty displays in compromising positions? Star Wars action figures incorporated into a manger scene? The X-mas Story retold using Superman? Get my friends to wear Halloween costumes to go caroling door-to-door?

Whatever. Get over yourselves. Merry Christmas.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

GIVING THANKS FOR...WHAT, EXACTLY?

(Reprinted from the blog of my alter-ego "Scribe" from 2007)

Ever heard the expression that says the written word is a lie? It's bullshit.

I'll let that sink in for a few more moments...

And off we go! History tends to record the versions of events agreed upon by

those who were fortunate enough to record them and then silence anybody who

disagreed. Thus we get the false assertion that the Catholics were the first

Christians or that Columbus was the first European to step foot on the American

continent. In that wondrous tradition, we also get the enormous pile of rubbish

known as "Thanksgiving," the supposed day when a group of well-meaning English

settlers met an even more well-meaning group of Native Americans and they chowed

down peacefully on cranberries and pumpkin pie.

Historically speaking, there is little proof that an actual Thanksgiving Day

feast took place at all. In fact, a day of "giving thanks" to the fanatical

Pilgirms usually involved fasting. And the wonderful, devout and loving

Christians seeking religious freedom? They were actually a group of such extreme

fanatics that their obnoxious and vehement opposition to any other lifestyle

created such hatred in their fellow English that it forced them to flee for

their lives.

So, instead of a wide-eyed group of optimistic settlers, what we really had was

a wild-eyed group of dangerous religious whackos looking to establish God's

kingdom on Earth. An attitude, by the way, whose insanity has filtered down

throughout the centuries into the evangelical protestants we know and love and occasionally

elect to the office of President to this day.

We do know for a fact that these God-squatters were ill-prepared for the weather

when they arrived on Plymouth Rock. We also know that the Wampanoag Indians were

the only reason they survived. Whether or not an actual sit-down feast occurred

where Indians were allowed to dine with whites (unlikely considering they were

viewed as both heathens and savages) the fact is that the survival techniques

taught to the Pilgrims are the only thing that aided them in surviving. By the

way, approximately half of them didn't survive .

Historians also tend to agree that the actual feast, which might have lasted as

long as 3 days with or without Indians, most likely occurred at the end of

October and not November, which is conveniently one month from the Eurocentric

Christian holiday known as Christ-Mass, the day a kid was born whose name would

be used to justify what happened the following year.

Now that the Pilgrims had the survival techniques they needed to establish God's

Kingdom, it was time to expand. Sadly, those pesky original inhabitants took

issue with the whole "God hath decreed this land unto us" thing and bloody

battles ensued. Being both Christians and Europeans of the 1600's, they

naturally blamed the Indians for their unreasonable reaction to being invaded

and responded in kind. Besides, the Pilgrims had the last laugh what with all

those marvelous exotic diseases they brought with them to help build the Kingdom

of God.

So this Thursday, what we will be giving thanks for exactly? The fact that a

group of lunatic religious nuts were able to survive and influence the formation

of the only Free World nation with antiquated religious views that persist into

the 21st Century? The fact that an indigenous people were systematically wiped

out "'cause they weren't doin' nothin' with the land no-how?" Ooo! I've got! We

should be thankful that we were lied to about an event that probably never even

happened, the same way blacks were told the Civil War was about slavery!

Did I mention that large celebratory feasts in those wonderful days were often

held in honor of a victorious slaughtering of Indians in the name of Manifest

Destiny?

So by all means, let us give thanks.

Thanks, finally, that the truth is known~

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Another Episode of "Facebook Drama!"

I've been dropped for offending people a few times, but no one ever dropped me because I made them look like a moron. Until now, that is.

What makes this more interesting is that this person is supposedly a published author who writes thrillers that take place in different periods in history. In other words, he should've known better! Below is the thread with picture included:















November 22, 1963. Remember when our President, regardless of party, could ride in an open car? · · · Share · 47 minutes ago

  • 5 people like this.
  • 1 share

    • Christopher Nadeau No, and technically neither could the one pictured above.
      46 minutes ago · · 3Loading...
    • CJ Edwards Bravo Mr. Nadeau!!
      43 minutes ago · · 1Loading...
    • David L Nelson Heck, they haven't even been able to safely go to the show since 100 years before that so I'm thinking um no?
      42 minutes ago ·
    • Main Poster: Thanks for the tasteless remark, Mr. Nadeau.
      39 minutes ago ·
    • Christopher Nadeau ‎"tasteless?" I object to that strongly. It's a historical fact. Sadly, no president since JFK has been able to sit atop a vehicle due to what happened to him. I don't remember a time when this wasn't the case, hence my comment, and using a pic of the man whose assassination made that so seemed like a bit of intentional irony to me. So no, it wasn't tasteless at all.
      37 minutes ago · · 1Loading...
    • Main Poster:‎"Object" all you want, CN. Why then did you remove the remark if you didn't think better of it? The point of the post was a remembrance of a national tragedy and your opening remark seemed to make light of it.
      34 minutes ago · · 2Loading...
    • Main Poster: Actually, your post is still there, but disappeared for a while.
      32 minutes ago ·
    • Christopher Nadeau I don't know what you're talking about. I never removed anything. However, I'd surprised you would see a comment like that as "making light." There's nothing light about the leader of the free world getting his brains blown out.
      32 minutes ago · · 1Loading...
    • Christopher Nadeau I don't remove posts. Mine of those of others.
      31 minutes ago ·
    • Christopher Nadeau ‎*or*
      31 minutes ago ·
    • Lee Sacco Perhaps it was (is?) a matter of courage? Teddy Roosevelt was shot yet continued with his speech. His book The River Of Doubt, is a testament to courage. I believe Kennedy also had that.
      26 minutes ago ·
    • Felicia Bowen Bridges I was kind of thinking it was ironic that you would say, 'Remember when they could...' and post a pic of Kennedy who died that way. In fact, was questioning the 'tastefulness' of that on the anniversary. Just sayin.
      22 minutes ago · · 2Loading...
    • Melissa Weaver I was just about to write the same thing! In fact, that's kinda where I thought Chris was going with his comment.
      21 minutes ago · · 1Loading...

    And then, just like that, I was no longer on his friend list...Thoughts?

Quote of the Day

"(Frank Miller's) 9/11-created, blanket anti-Muslim fears have him stuck in a storytelling loop, with his voice having nothing original left to say and reduced to howling his hatred into a nation that has moved forward without him, with his now-shriveled balls dangling from his crotchety old man’s sack into the toilet water that flushed away his talent."

-Mike Hansen, All Day Comics


OUCH!!!

Monday, November 21, 2011

The Most Twisted Anthology Cover yet!

Two "flash fiction" pieces, i.e. really short stories appear in this Open Casket Press anthology and the cover leaves little to the speculative side of the imagination!





















The Horror Carnival authors list:
JONATHAN TEMPLAR, MATT KURTZ, VINCENT BILOF, MIKE SHEA, KEVIN LEWIS, MARK M. JOHNSON, SARAH E. GLENN, SAMUEL J. GUSS, NICKOLAS COOK, DAVID BERNSTEIN, ELISE HATTERSLEY, CHRISTOPHER NADEAU, P. DAVID PUFFINBURGER, MARK RIVETT, AARON GUDMUNSON, ROBERT SPALDING, DAVID JAMES KEATON

Quote of the Day

"...I will be damned if we're going to balance the budget on the backs of the elderly, the sick, the children, and the poor."

-Senator Bernie Sanders, Commie.

Friday, November 18, 2011

A Quick Look at Two Anthologies Featuring some guy named Me.

Two days ago, I received in the mail copies of two Pill Hill Press anthologies featuring a story each from me, and a whole bunch by other writers. I was a tad nervous, only because one never knows how these things are going to come out once they're "on the shelves."

Don't git it twisted, dog. That doesn't mean I wouldn't still be pleased by both the exposure and the whole getting paid for my efforts thing, but a poorly rendered product usually means very few people are going to ever read it. I was very pleased with both books, one of them in particular that exceeded my expectations!

Take a look at the covers below:








This one is one big fat-ass volume of high-quality horror tales. There's no theme except creepy and disturbing. My short story "Outside the Box" is featured inside.
















And this one is a themed anthology about monsters hunters. Of the two, this one impressed me a little more, not only because it's an over-sized paperback with beautifully rendered font (although that would be enough) but also because the various tales are broken up into sections based on type of monster being hunted!




Of my short story in this one, Horror Talk reviewer Steve "Alien Redrum" Pattee wrote, "Finally, The Source barely edges out the tales as my favorite in The Monster Hunters section, if only for its fantastic 'oh shit, did you just go there?!' ending."



Thursday, November 17, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Thou shalt be forthright unto morons."

-Montilee Stormer, author of a short story about man-eating ta-tas.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Am I allowed to quit humanity?"

-Anon.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

GOAL! GOAL! GOAL!

While everything else is crashing down around me as if I'm experiencing a personal Apocalypse, the one thing that has gone extraordinarily well for me in 2011 has been my high short story submission acceptance rate. At some point, probably once I'd crossed the magic dozen, I decided to set a goal for myself of twenty accepted stories by year's end.

As of this morning, I met that goal.

I wasn't sure I would, obviously, and would not have complained had I "only" had eighteen or nineteen accepted. Hell,, twelve was wonderful enough! This past Saturday, I received a rejection for a time travel/serial killer story I wrote called "The Killer Repeats." I happen to consider this story one of the best I've written in a while, and those are always the toughest ones to read were rejected.

However, the following day, I received a response to my submission to the Static Movement Press anthology Make a Wish. The story, entitled "Maynard," revolves around a nerdy gentleman whose encounter with a "Granter" provides him with the ability to literally reshape the world into a dying, pain-filled mess with him as the only one immune to the suffering. The editor wrote this:

Chris
Well written and perfect for the anthology! Please complete and return the attached contract.

That brought me to nineteen. With three or four other submissions floating around, this whole twenty acceptances thing suddenly looked possible. Then I remembered an email I'd received from Open Casket Press, the publisher that recently accepted by short story "Midnight Service" for their Dead X-Mas anthology. They were looking to fill an anthology of general horror stories, as opposed to those written under the more restrictive requirements of a theme.

I queried (One always should, even when they've established a relationship with the editor/publisher) to see if he would be interested in a couple really short works I had. I was encouraged to send them along, and the following day, this morning, I received this message:

I will use them. Short and sweet by enjoyable.

And just like that, with about six weeks to spare, I'd reached my goal.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do?





Thursday, November 10, 2011

An Excerpt.

Just for poops and chuckles, here's a brief excerpt from a short story about a hateful man named Maynard who got the chance to wish the world into whatever he wanted:

“Don’t you believe in God?” the man said.

“Yep,” Maynard replied. “You’re looking at him.”

The man’s face went pale, his formerly fiery eyes now hollow and blank. Maynard could almost read his thoughts using his stupid face. What if that was true? He’d never thought of it that way. Bible God was nothing like this skinny, geeky guy with the power of life and death over everyone in the world. Maybe God was a pathetic, angry person with nothing but malice towards all. Maybe everything until now had been a lie.

Predictably, the man started weeping. Maynard stood and watched him, feeling nothing. His elated response to breaking down alpha males and stuck up women hit its peak quite a while back. The man fell to his knees, sobbing, shoulders rising and falling, babbling incoherently. God, he was annoying!

Maynard shook his head and looked up at the sky. It was still pervasively orange, thanks to Wish number four. Was there a time limit on wishes? If so, he would wind up headless and dragged through the streets like Mussolini one day. The thought amused him as he pictured himself the eternal bogeyman of the misguided human race.

“You..can…fix this,” the man said between sobs. “You…have…powers!”

Maynard smiled. “Sorry, they’re all used up.”