The Literal-Mindedness of Evangelicalism

 

"Why pay for movies when you can pay me?"

You would think someone who operates exclusively on faith would be able to grasp abstract concepts in lieu of being suffocatingly literal-minded. And while that is, perhaps, true of some true believers out there, it's not true of your typical Evangelical Christian. They don't view anything they believe as metaphorical or representative of some greater, impossible to define truth. They take it all at face value and, even worse, they project that mentality onto the rest of us.

Especially those of us who dare write fiction.

Recently, I saw a video clip of an Evangelical preacher admonishing people for watching horror movies. His bone of contention was that the films somehow convince us that the entities they feature are more powerful than they actually are when all one really needs is Christian faith to essentially stomp these beings into the ground for Jesus. This preacher went on to decry all horror films as an attempt to deceive people from the truth of the Gospel. That's all well and good. He can believe whatever he wants, but what he can't do is speak as an authority on something he clearly knows nothing about.

This certainly wasn't the first time a preacher arrogantly proclaimed his knowledge about the so-called "secular world" and it sadly isn't anywhere near to being the last. It's yet another in a long line of misconceptions uttered by someone who entire existence is informed by magical thinking. It's a fascinating contradiction to be both literal-minded and entirely lacking in logic, but when one's false sense of righteousness is backed up by the bubble they operate within, it is unavoidable. 

"We're lookin' for the guy that called us weak and defeated."

First off, horror is so much more than movies featuring demonic entities of the Judeo-Christian variety. There are several sub-genres, some of which don't include the supernatural at all. Secondly, the preacher's assertion that demons are defeated beings living under our feet is a provincial one at best. Not everyone believes that and not every culture's demons are former uppity angels who got their comeuppance. In some belief systems, angels are indeed equal to their counterparts. Thirdly, the preacher's woeful ignorance of the genre and its history is on full display because he has no idea what traditions are being drawn from. You think he knows about Lovecraft's Ancient Ones or Clive Barker's pleasure/torture vision of Hell? 

Most importantly, he misunderstands (whether intentionally or unintentionally) the entire point of horror, which is to provide much-needed catharsis for the audience watching it. Fear is only a bad thing if it's given more power than it deserves. By proclaiming all fictional horror part of some greater conspiracy to perpetrate a lie about Christian-centric demons, he stands revealed as little more than a peddler of ignorance desperately trying to understand a word that makes little sense to him otherwise. The sad part is there are millions of Americans are not only willing but also happy to follow along.

I can't think of anything more horrifying that that.

Fanaticism at War with Creativity (and it's winning)

 

It's obvious now in the U.S. that we got used to thinking all the censorship and persecution was in the past. Movies are made about it and tons of books have been written on the subject. Most of these presumed an evolved, more aware society looking back on a terrible time with the perspective of those who have learned "the lesson" and moved forward. 

It turns out the religious fanatics were quietly getting themselves into positions where they could enact sweeping censorship across the entire nation, the South in particular. This is not an altogether surprising event to me. I have been tracking the Religious Right's mostly successful strategy since the 1990s. Once they realized Ronald Reagan was not the Evangelical-friendly president they'd been hoping for, they set their sites on more realistic targets. Local school boards, City Councils, small-town mayoral elections and even courtrooms were slowly infiltrated by them until the time came for them to begin enacting their agenda for social control in the name of spiritual salvation.

And they were really, really good at it too.

"Questionable" books began to be challenged in school libraries. Laws were passed that would never have withstood the light of day a mere decade before. Harmful deprogramming techniques aimed at gays gained popularity in certain circles and there was a bizarre shift from blaming Jews for the crucifixion of Jesus to hailing them as wonderful because in their view, these people needed to be slaughtered in order to bring on those wonderful End Times. But that's okay because they will be given a second chance to accept Christ as the messiah and everybody will live happily ever after for a thousand years because ancient people couldn't conceive of a number larger than that.

But let's take a quick step back. This is a highly motivated, resentful and frighteningly large group of Americans who have felt marginalized and disrespected for generations. And, to be fair, they kind of were. Most mainstream so-called "secular" Americans saw them as little more than a pack of ignorant hayseeds, members of a vocal minority whose predilection for following flawed, charismatic nutjobs had descended into self-parody. And, to be fair, they kind of had. 

So, where did that leave us? Simply put, with a two-sided coin sitting on its side in the middle of a field of general apathy. On one side of that coin sits a large, angry, delusional minority of religious zealots whose entire lives have been spent in a veritable echo chamber of self-righteousness and magical thinking. On the other sits their opposite extreme, far left social engineers with an alarming level of self-interest pushing various agendas with no real awareness of what they are up against. Meanwhile, on that field of apathy, we have small groups of people just starting to open their eyes and realize what's happening while they watch their streaming shows and stupidly put the names of their children on signs outside their houses complete with the names of their schools as celebration. 

The demands for censorship we are seeing are primarily but by no means exclusively coming from the Right. The difference is the Right's agenda is far more organized because Right-wingers tend to think alike whereas one of the strengths and weaknesses of Left-wingers is their lack of constant, mindless agreement with one another. But where exactly are these calls for book banning coming from and who is initiating them? You might be surprised by the answer:

Surprised? You probably are. Who would have expected school and library boards to issue more challenges than political and religious groups? Who expected the number of elected officials doing it to be lower than the percentage of librarians and teachers? The second column tracks with conventional wisdom, however, as does the third one. It is interesting to note how much importance is placed on the written word vs. other types of media. No matter what, words on a page (or a screen) still cause more discomfort than images and songs. The reason for that should be obvious. Their entire worldview is based on the written words in a book they believe is the only one anybody needs because all of the answers are found in its pages.

Here's the part so many non-believers and rationally minded believers do not get about these people. They indulge in constant magical thinking. In their minds, all fiction is based on belief, most of it running contrary to theirs. They are a bizarre combination of irrationality and literal-mindedness that makes it nearly impossible for them to grasp metaphor and subtlety, let alone allegorical social commentary. In fact, those words are meaningless to them because their over-simplified worldview is based on the most basic concept of good vs. evil resulting in simplistic reward or punishment. There is no nuance there.

This is why when these groups are challenged to present one specific example of why they consider a book unacceptable, they either cannot do it or can't be bothered to even try. What's the point in offering specifics when the entire thing is based on Satanic appeasement? Trust me, when they use the word "Worldly," it's not a positive thing. The actual definition of that word is someone who is well-rounded and educated, but they use it to mean someone who is by default in league with the devil because they are "of the world." The world is evil because of humanity's fall from Grace, despite the efforts of Jesus in the New Testament to usher in an Age of Grace.

It is this very contradictory nature that makes it impossible to reason with book banners who are doing it for religious reasons. Reason is just another way of moving away from God in their estimation. Science is the devil's religion, at least that's what a similar-minded friend once said to me in a matter-of-fact tone of voice.  Funnily enough, following the tiny bit of logic contained in that mentality, one would think politics would be the devil's playground. Yet Evangelicals have been infiltrating local government for decades so they could enact their peculiar brand of American Christianity. Library boards, school boards and city councils were just the beginning. They are well beyond that now and their lack of willingness to engage in the realm of ideas is slowly affecting our lives in ways that are becoming more and more apparent.

(If you wish to join the fight against library censorship, contact these fines folks and make your voices heard)

Book Banning & the Death of Discomfort

 

Last month Young Adult Fiction author Bill Konigsberg wrote what is perhaps the best written, most comprehensive refutation of book banning I have seen. It was in reference to his novel, "The Bridge" (pictured to the left) which deals with teenage suicide. In his letter, Konigsberg tries to speak rationally to irrational people in a tragically pointless appeal to their intellects. If there have been any responses from the "concerned parents" who wish to remove his work from school libraries, I haven't seen it. 

It's doubtful they will engage him in a battle of wits when they are so poorly equipped. Book banners are not thinkers, they are reactors. They allow emotion and beliefs of a mostly archaic nature to guide their choices. There's also an element of tribalism in their decision-making, whether it be racial or religious in nature. It's often both. These are people who lack the ability to think beyond themselves, the pinnacle of provinciality. 

Most often, the parents demanding book removals from school libraries see the world in a severely limited way. It is a form of magical thinking that frames all issues into an odd combination of advocacy and promotion. Because so many of them operate based on nothing but faith, they are unable to grasp the concept of presenting ideas just for discussion or as a challenge to preconceived notions. This is threatening to the magical thinker because an alternate view only exists to lure them away from the absolute certainty of the system they follow. For example, Yoga cannot be positive in its purest form because it has a spiritual component. That automatically means there is evil encoded in its rituals and one must be on guard against its conniving ways. For the magical thinker, the only good alternate idea is one that has been co-opted by their belief system.

Take a look at karate if you don't believe me. I'll even make it easy for you. Take a look at this website. Read their bullshit spin job on the history of martial arts where they try to justify their outright theft or cultural appropriation by citing other cultures with martial arts traditions from the ancient world that were not Asian in origin. They weren't Christian either but who needs details to spoil a good lie? They even somehow include creationism and the absurd claim that Earth is 6,000 years old as a method for whitewashing their use of  a non-Christian fighting art. If they have concerns over the "strong occult powers entrenched in Asian practice," why don't they practice one of the other arts they mention from Egypt and Pakistan? 

Quick answer: They don't need to. They already control the narrative.

But they don't control the narrative of books like "The Bridge" or Art Spiegelman's "Maus," another title these tireless parental crusaders have gone after because it makes their sensibilities all squirmy. The latter is an even more egregious example of book banning. These close-minded individuals took this man's father's life experience during the Holocaust and got rid of it because there is foul language and some nudity. One parent even accused the school library of "promoting" these things by carrying the book. Once more we return to magical thinking, where no idea is up for discussion because it only exists to disrespect the Absolute Truth. Instead of talking about these elements of a story and placing them in proper context, i.e. the supposed "sexual explicit behavior" in Konigsberg's book of which there is none. I read it.

I read "Maus" too. So I can tell you without fear of contradiction that only a person with little to no ability to use basic cognition would be offended by it or even want to prevent their teenaged child from reading it.

Despite my obvious disdain for the realm of dogmatic reactionary claptrap coming from the majority of these parent watchdogs, there is another aspect to all of this that I feel is being either ignored or going unnoticed. 

Much of what gets read these days is fluff. It's been that way for decades, especially in the mainstream Fiction world. Sadly, there are two celebrities we can thank for that. Oprah started it with her book club and Reese Witherspoon has continued it with hers. Both of these women, neither of them authors of fiction, do what most non-experts do when it comes to selecting titles for their respective clubs. They choose what they like based on how the books make them feel. Sometimes there's a challenge embedded in the stories, but somehow things usually work out favorably by the end. Discomfort becomes a temporary thing, the method by which the reader can be transported into a tale that will ultimately make them feel good about themselves and the choices they have made in life.

That is, of course, a generalization. I know Oprah recommended books such as "The Bluest Eye" by Toni Morrison which, by no means, ends in a mostly positive place. And I'm not even referring to the book clubs these two famous actors endorse as trash peddlers. There are plenty of quality works on their lists. But the readership is not looking for stories that pull them too far out of their comfort zones. And if adults feel this way, they naturally assume they must protect children from the opposite as well.

Discomfort is important. Vonnegut's "Slaughterhouse Five" wasn't written so that we could applaud the bombing of Dresden. He was there. He lived it. And just like Spiegelman, he wanted to share that part of himself with the world in an attempt to help his fellow humans understand what we are capable of and why we must expose ourselves to things that don't make us feel good about ourselves. Not all reading is for entertainment. I would expect even the least educated parents out there to know that titles in a school library are there because students can learn from them. 

Even when they have naughty words and side-boob and make us wonder if our beliefs suck and need to be changed.

You Can't Invent this Level of Horror!

 Writers of dark fiction love to plumb the depths of the human psyche and the spiritual realm in the hopes of either scaring the absolute crap out of their readers or, if they like to aim a little higher, making some type of hopefully meaningful comment on the human condition and the various masks we wear in our lives. This usually involves a well-developed imagination and a willingness to face our fears that not everyone possesses. We may not always succeed, but our aim is sincere and worthy. However, there are some terrors that defy our best attempts.

May I present to you one such example?

Gaze, dear readers, upon...

The creepiest couple ever!

Okay, she's not really all that creepy. She's more creepy by association. Mr. Cherwenka, however, is the kind of character I would mentally dismiss as too over-the-top, too absurd, and too off-putting to be effective in a work of fiction. It isn't enough that he is an artificial-lifeform real estate investor whose income seems to also involve getting people to pay him to tell them about how he does it. It isn't enough that the back cover of the book pictured above features both he and his spouse half-naked in workout clothes and that his pic looks seriously photo-shopped. 

See for yourselves:

You're probably thinking, "Okay, that's pretty disturbing. Surely that's the whole story and I may now go scrub my eyes and brain with a scouring pad." 

Well, hold on to your SOS pads, because we're just getting started!

You see, Cherwenka claims to be a Born Again Christian whose wealth and success are a direct result of pleasing Jesus. Apparently, all the Christian Messiah requires of his followers is a real estate license and killer abs. In his testimony entitled, "Stripped Bare by the Lord," Cherwenka reveals how he came to be a devout follower of Christ, and it starts with his days as a male exotic dancer. This came about, he says, when some female students at his college dared him to enter a contest where he wound up winning $500.00. He then became a dancer with a male revue at $100.00 per night. Big Money for a college student in the Eighties. 

Cherwenka went on to become rather well-known in the field, appearing on Phil Donahue and Jerry Springer and garnering equal parts admiration and envy, the latter from his fellow male revue dancers who didn't like all the publicity he was enjoying. Of course, he was able to establish a new male revue with dancers working for him, and it was one of them who started Cherwenka on the road to personal salvation. This dancer "gave his life to Christ in 1993" and set about doing what all Evangelical Christians feels they are commanded to do when encountering a non-believer. He actively began preaching the Word. 

In what seems like a steady stream of subtext-filled odd word choices, Cherwenka writes that his former employee was, "going to witness to me hard and heavy." But he wasn't interested in what his friend was peddling, so Cherwenka went through the motions by saying The Sinner's Prayer without actually meaning it. That was when, he claims, God took major umbrage and came down on him like a bag of anvils landing on a bag of rabid cats. 

The male revue began suffering from infighting and a lack of focus, his wife wanted a divorce despite having given him a child, she wound up with pneumonia when she went back into touring as an exotic dancer, and they had a stolen vehicle situation. As far as he is concerned, this was God's way of showing how unamused He was by Cherwenka's insincere and flippant attitude. In his own words, "Times were getting so bad that God put the writing on the wall, 'Either give your life to me or I'm going to take it.'"

God was going to "take" his life if he didn't choose to follow Him.

Sometime later, Cherwenka writes that his religious friend encouraged him to go see a guy with the last name of "Schwartz." Again, I can't make this kind of stuff up! This individual convinced our hero that he was miserable because he was separated from his Creator, the God who had low-key threatened to murder him if he couldn't manage to become a follower. Cherwenka's account of his interaction with Schwartz includes how "unclean" he felt and how he wept like a child as he realized his desire to please his heavenly father.

That didn't stop him from being a male stripper though. At least not right away. There was still Big Money to be made after all. But he did tell his guys the Christmas show was to be the last one. He was Born Again. Saved. A self-described "brand new creation." But somehow one last stripping expo to celebrate Christ's birth was just what the reverend ordered! 

Wiggle it...just a lil' bit...

Hey, he was under contract! It's not as if true believers have been willing to be imprisoned for their faith throughout history. It's all about convenience. And one thing that isn't convenient is knowing where your money is going to come from when you've left your successful career...ahem...behind. 

Thankfully for him, Cherwenka took notice of a foreclosure seminar advertised in the newspaper in 1995. Realizing it's not profiting off of someone else's suffering if you buy the property with the intent of fixing it up, he went for it and failed spectacularly thanks to having been defrauded by a wholesaler. Our hero had expected God to cut him some slack now that he was a devoted Christian but it didn't seem to be working out that way. He was sleeping in the properties he was renovating with no utilities and showering at a truck stop.  Then he went and spoke to a pastor with the last name of, and remember I'm not making any of this up, "Cox."

He...slept in empty houses and showered at...truck stops and visited Pastor Cox...

😕

The pastor ministered to him and asked him how much money he needed. I'm sorry, I need a moment to separate myself from all this subtext!

Talk amongst yourselves...

Okay, I'm back! 

Cherwenka asked, umm, the pastor if God still intervenes in the lives of people in the 21st Century. He asked this in 1996, which makes him either incredibly forward-thinking or someone who forgot what century he was writing about. Either way, kudos. Naturally, Cox believed that God does indeed do that. So, our hero, who felt "compelled" to cut his shoulder-length hair (the last vestige of his dancin' daze, which he maintained because it was a...visual aid for his testimonials?) and then his narrative jumps to him having a nervous breakdown while a radio minister preached the word. Like all self-pitying Christians, he likened himself to Job. To be honest, his story mirrors Job's in some significant ways.

However, Cherwenka received a reprieve in what could very well be a miraculous event. In his own words:

"Tuesday morning I  woke  up  after  sleeping at the  property, and  two huge  trees  on  the side  of the  house  where  I  needed  to put a driveway were  split in  half by lighting (see pictures  below) and  there  is  no other  storm damage  in  the  county! Neither  tree  fell on  the  two houses  I  was  working on, nor  did  I  hear  a noise  in  my sleep. My spirits were  restored  and  GOD’S  greatness  was  in  my presence."

The picture provided does indeed show trees that have been struck by lightning and, if his account is to be believed, is is rather interesting that they were the only thing to be struck in the entire county. That's actually an impressive story.

Since then, Cherwenka got back on his feet and became a successful wholesale real estate guy. According to a quick online search, he and wife Tolla (pictured on the book) married in 2014. His first wife, despite becoming Born Again in 1996, did not stay with him. He views his business as his ministry, mentioning how he finds deals for people as if it has holy significance. But what's really fascinating is how Cherwenka attributes horrible moments in his life to the perfect God he follows in a way that is akin to an abused child excusing his parent's horrible behavior.

For example, one day in 1998 while on his knees playing with his child, he began wondering why he no longer got on his knees to pray. His infant son started choking and the frightened dad had to call 911. The child was eventually fine, but as far his father was concerned, this was God telling him not to "get too comfortable." A year prior, he hired his brother-in-law to do some painting on a property he owned and spoke harshly to him for not getting the job done on time, a move he describes as Un-Christ-like. Never mind that Jesus was reproachful of people not doing what they were supposed to do on at least four occasions. Never mind that nonsense. Cherwenka wound up placing too much gas on a trash fire and burning down an acre of forest. His conclusion? 

"God was telling me to keep my cool to avoid the heat."

No remorse for the burned land or the animals that might have died as a result. The whole thing was just about him.

His child nearly chokes to death and it's God communicating with him. He burns down a section of forest and God is using that to tell him to cool it.

Sadly, a lot of performers are narcissists. This is especially true when those performers are known for what they look like. A person like that who discovers religion would naturally gear it towards his own benefit. And part of that would look like a person trying to help people. This isn't to say that Mike Cherwenka is some sort of freewheelin' sociopath. He may be a lovely human being who truly cares about others. I mean, don't most real estate moguls want you to see what their bodies look like with fewer clothes on?

Source

Dispatches from the Coronavirus Days#14- Rain & Marches on Inconvenience

Photo credit: Associated Press

"The highest form of intelligence… is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another's world. It requires profound purpose larger than the self kind of understanding.”  -Bill Bullard

It should be clear to anyone who's been paying attention that individuals such as the ones pictured above have either a total misunderstanding of or a profound lack of regard for the above quote. These are, simply put, people whose time spent reveling in juvenalia never ended and has now manifested itself as something well beyond tragic or even amusing.

The concept of freedom to the protestors of mild inconvenience, the weak-willed sadsacks who shamelessly moan about their First World problems, is one of doing whatever the hell one wants without regard for or responsibility to anyone else. Coupled with good old-fashioned doses of racism, sexism, religious fundamentalism, anti-science rhetoric, and impotent rage, mild inconvenience becomes raison d'etre.

The irony that most of these Michigan marches against safety from a currently incurable virus have been rained out is not lost on me. While not a believer, I am certainly open to the possibility that the God they claim supports every moronic utterance from their misinformed mouths has had enough. I mean, what God worth its long white beard would find so-called "haircut protests" in the midst of a global pandemic worthy? I'll tell ya what kind: One that understands how much it sucks to not be able to get your roots done!

Praise the Lawd and pass the hair dye!

Will these people, assuming they survive all the interacting with potentially infected like-minded types, ever have the presence of mind to look back on their actions and realize how stupidly they were acting? Let's not hold our breath...unless they're walking past us, because those idiots are walking petrie dishes.

On the Western side of Michigan, where I'm convinced there must be some type of radiation leak or brainwashing facility, the virus spread has increased because, surprise-surprise, that's where a lot of the protestors live! Can you imagine if something like this catches on? Protest an unstoppable virus by congregating with people and then going home. Why, with that type of dedication, we could wipe out half of humanity in a matter of years.

But let's not dwell on the people who are upset because they can't get haircuts and eat inside restaurants that are still providing curbside carryout. We're in Idiocracy Phase Two now. Governor Whitmer is slowly reopening the state, a move no doubt brought on by pressures from the militia-minded Northern Michiganders who refused to accept her authority because she's an uppity female Democrat. The places that have remained opened all along, the essential stores, are requiring that their customers wear masks, so naturally these Nobel Laureates have taken that little factoid and turned it into some demented crusade against fear and being told what to do.

Apparently there's no braver way to stand up for one's freedumbs than to square off against a virus (it helps if you believe it's a conspiracy to keep Donald Trump from getting reelected even though Trump himself admits the virus is real) by telling it you ain't a'scared of nothin'. I remember once when a tornado ripped through Michigan, I stood on a rooftop and said, "Bitch, please." You best believe it backed off!

So now these would be Rosa Parks's are attacking store employees for enforcing the "mask it or casket" rule. In the interest of fairness, it isn't just steretypical flag-waving so-called "Rednecks" acting this way either. Take a look at what happened in Flint. But that incident, repugant as it was, seems to be an outlier. Most of the perpetators are white males and females with grossly exaggerrated senses of their importance.

It isn't always resulting in violence, however. Take "Flat-Earther Karen" as an example. Her clearly rehearsed, sad gambit to strike a blow for the unmasked is just one example. Another is this jerk.

What's fascinating about this situation is how these same people, drooling along with Rush Limbaugh and the Fox News pundits, supported the Citizens United Supreme Court Decisin to grant corporatins personhood. That makes them private, sovereign citizens with rights equal to (although any thinking person knows they're more equal than we are) any walking, talking, gun-totin' 'Murican. Private entities can require us to do whatever they deem necessary. They're not infringing on our rights, they're exercising theirs. I would urge all of the protestors to think long and hard about that.

And next time we'll deal with the dual issues of you believing nobody is an expert while accepting anecdotal evidence and how you keep confusing illegality with executive orders. In the meantime, I'd tell you to be safe but you won't, so stay the hell away from those of us who are~

Dispatches from the Coronavirus Days #10- Personal Edition

There aren't going to be any attempts at clever sub-headlines this time around. I'm rapidly burning out anyway and besides, my observational instincts are waning under the strain of this pandemic. As of right now, all I have are my own thoughts, feelings and reactions. Apologies in advance if this Dispatch doesn't bring comfort on, at the very least, the "we're all in this together" level.

Residing in the Covid-19 epicenter of Michigan is a sobering experience. Any hope, any faith in humanity I might have somehow stored up over the years of disappointment and revulsion have evaporated like a water stain on the concrete in summer. Even I, cynic that I am, never realized just how stupid, how arrogant, and how self-destructive most people are until I watched them ignore something as simple as social distancing on a daily basis.

From my vantage point, I can see two grocery stores, both of which are packed from the moment they open until they close two hours earlier than normal. How much panic buying can people do? More importantly, what the hell did they do with all the food and supplies they bought previously? Are we such a consumer culture that people can't conceive of actually holding onto the thigs  they buy instead of consuming and going back for more? If you're wondering whether or not these simpletons are gloved and masked, while I don't have an actual scientific study to show you, my own observation is that maybe one out of four is masked and nobody is gloved. That means these panic shoppers are potentially shedding virus on a regular basis.

I guess that explains why, as of this writing, Michigan now has over 5,000 confirmed cases of Covid-19.

I have not stepped foot inside a building in over a week and have been home for over two weeks. When I went, I had no choice but to go because my wife's prescriptions needed to be picked up. This was at Walmart, where literally no one was social distancing, forcing me to jump, dodge and backwards run like an olympic athlete. Because of that brief excursion into virus hell, I am now in week two of hoping no symptoms manifest.

Let's not lay all of the blame on the customers, however. The stores should also be doing their part. They should agressively limit the duplicate items people can purchase as well as the amount of people who can enter the store at any given time. Time limits on shopping should also be imposed. Instead, I watch clumps of people at a store with a security guard enter and exit all the live-long day, often pausing to stand right next to one another.

So, I am lucky enough to have a grocery store right across from my house during an emergency but because of idiots shopping there and the greedy corporation running it, I can't step foot inside. Additionally, my attempts at ordering online for delivery have been stymied by an over-abundance of people using it and a possible workers strike based on complaints of the company not providing appropriate protections. An order I placed at a different store four days ago will hopefully arrive two days hence, while the order I placed with the store that is literally across the street cannot give me a delivery date. Under normal circumstances, this would be absurd, considering the delivery driver could literally walk across the street.

Clearly we're living in an insane time, a fact compounded by the way people are reacting. Americans are like children in so many ways. I've always said we're the adolescents of the international community, a young nation still trying to assert its uniqueness and not let the old farts tell us how to live our lives. To borrow an expression I detest, Americans are constantly saying, "Okay, boomer" to the rest of the planet.

What about Canada, you say? They're even younger. True. Canada is the mature, old-soul younger sibling who sees what the obnoxious know-it-all sibling does and goes the opposite way. It's why their prime minister delivers his virus updates alone and our president sits in a room full of sychophants, almost daring the virus to fuck with him. He's not alone either.

People on my Facebook page are posting images and videos of themselves visiting relatives...not just once, but often. I see children in my neighborhood playing with their neighbors. I hear and see morons comparing this pandemic to auto accidents and drawing false parrallels to the flu's death rate as if one can compare a brand new, incurable illness to one our bodies can actually fight. I've been called "melodramatic" by someone who knows better for writing that irresponsible memes claiming the things listed above will lead to deaths, because it will inspire the unintelligent to ignore safety protocols. And if that sounds like hysteria, take a look at the churches that have defied the "stay and shelter" rules and get back to me.

By the way, that isn't me calling churchgoers unintelligent. Millions of intelligent churchgoers are keeping their asses at home as they should. But it only takes a few people to spread a virus:

 

I don't know what's going to happen at this point. I know I haven't felt this level of anxiety since the threat of nuclear war loomed on the horizon before Gorbachev saved us all from that. Back then, we only had to worry about the idiots in government and a handful of jingoistic lunatics on both sides. Now, thanks to thirty-plus years of disinformation and a culture based damn near exclusively on consumption instead of production and invention, we have to worry about everybody doing exactly the wrong thing.

Dispatch Over~

Read previous Disptach here.

Dispatches From the Coronavirus Days #9- Vaguely Humorus Edition

There isn't much to laugh at right now and any attempts are no doubt strained. However, even in the midst of bleak tragedy, there will always be idiots sent forth to amuse us. That's why I'm starting with

Florida Man got Elected to Office to Share a Cure: A County Commissioner from Florida whose last name, of course, is Culpepper claimed he had found a Covid-19 cure which he happily shared with the world. Citing a non-existent doctor on a non-existent segment on the One America News Network. That miracle cure? A blowdryer aimed right up the nose. That's right. According to Culpepper, since the nasal passages are the wettest part of us (no comments, please) the blowdryer can be used to kill the virus before it moves on to the lungs. Culpepper was later called out on his cure claim and issued an apology for instilling false hope. His reasoning? He was trying to give hope to those without health insurance. Let's file this one under well-intentioned/indicative of our healthcare system.

China and the Gay Mafia are to Blame: One of the many truly frightening things about the Trump administration is how so many of them, sans Trump, of course, are insane religious fanatics. Case in point: Ralph Drollinger, a minister who leads  morning prayer meetings every Wednesday for the president's cabinet. In a series of blog posts and *ahem* "study guides," the former college basketball player turned clergyman alludes to God's judgment without fully commiting to the idea that this particular virus is the outcome of it. He did, however, mention the Chinese as if they maliciously released the virus on us, also as if they haven't suffered the most from it so far. He also, somewhat masterfully, implicated homosexuals and environmentalists. This is the person to whom Mike Pence, Betsy Devos and Ben Carson listen WEEKLY for spiritual guidance. If that isn't tragically and horrifyingly hilarious, what is?

Teenagers Eating Corn are Tired of being Quarantined: If that title doesn't make sense to you, it's probably because you know how to spell "Quarantine," unlike several online folk who spell it like this:

Embiggen the image and see for yourself.


Eye-talians Don't Play: I've already written about the teenagers who think spitting on produce during a global poandemic is cool and funny, but I'd love to see them give that a try in Italy. If this video of a man getting his ass handed to him for spitting on produce is any indication, Italian justice suits the offense.

Profiteering, it's not just for Vulture Capitalists Anymore: We all know there's a whole pond of scum doing their level best to profit from his horrible tragedy from Hobby Lobby CEO David Green, who refuses to close for "shelter in place" orders unless the power is turned off and various other businessmen and politicians. But who says it has to all be negative? Well, certainly not whoever compiled the list pictured below:

Ah, gallows humor. Eases the pain...for about eight seconds.

I'll see myself out, but first, a meme that is both poignant and funny, especially to this kaiju fan:

"Besides, he'll probably only kill the slower, elderly people and I'm sure they're willing to sacrifice themselves so the economy doesn't collapse!"

More to come~



Read previous Dispatch here.

Hobby Lobby Remaining Open Because "God"

 God-fearin' and exploitin' Hobby Lobby CEO David Green's "prayer warrior" wife Barbara prayed so hard about this Covid-19 epidemic bugaboo that she was rewarded with a vision in the form of three easily memorized and repeated words: "Guide, Guard and Groom." And since God apparently talks like a sales seminar, that phrase is somehow meant to comfort the thousands of Hobby Lobby employees who are being made to continue working at the arts and crafts superstore.
As you can see from the memo to the left, Hobby Lobby has no intention of modifying its hours, let alone closing during a global pendemic; not when there are sales and money to be made.
You don't have to take this blog's word for it, however. The email pictured below gives pretty clear indication of the extent to which the Hobby Lobby corporation will go to profit off of tragedy.

At this point, if you still don't want to accept the evidence as presented by awesome Twitter user "Towanda the Avenger," maybe this actual notice from the Hobby Lobby website will convince you. Pay especial attention to the sentence where they say any employees who exhibit signs of Covid-19 will be sent home to self-isolate but nothing about immediately closing down right after. Clearly the CDC guidelines are not a concern for Green because his wife's conveniently catchy God-provided vision will save the day.

None of this should come as a surprise to anyone who has followed the Hobby Lobby saga over the years. Providing meager sick pay and violating the Family Medical Leave Act at least once, Green's fundamentalist hypocrisy has been on full display for years. Many would consider this a new low, however. A non-essential business remaining open based on dubious claims of Godly protection that is clearly exploiting a global pandemic for sales reasons isn't just affecting individuals or even the company's employees. Keeping their stores open when the World Health Organization, The CDC and your local veterinarian all agree you should not is irresponsible and the very hallmark of profit over people.

Vegan Science Fiction, You Say?

I swear every time I look through my weekly email of potential short story markets, something truly different and not even remotely in my wheelhouse shows up. Last time it was an anthology based around subverting gender norms via the lifestyle of Furries and, while this one isn't quite as remarkable as that, it's still pretty damn different!

Metamorphosis Books is looking for Vegan science fiction. But not just Vegan sci-fi. The Best Vegan sci-fi of the year! And as any published author will tell you, "Best of" usually indicates reprinted fiction from the previous year. That means an entire collection of previously published Vegan Scifi. Now don't feel too bad if you're confused. You're not alone. Fear not, however, for this non-Vegan, unqualified individual who literally just learned about this a few minutes prior to writing this post is here to guide you through the maze.

Below is the most comprehensive example of what Metamorphosis is looking for:

What ‘vegan’ means here:

• We’re looking for stories happen to be vegan – no meat, no hunting, no horse-riding, no leather.
• Stories don’t have to be about veganism (though we don’t mind that).
• Still not sure? Here’s one definition of veganism: https://www.vegansociety.com/try-vegan/definition-veganism

Get it now? Yeah, me neither. If the stories aren't necessarily focused on Veganism, how exactly are they Vegan. If I submit a story to a Christian publication that isn't really about Christianity literally or metaphorically and is, in fact, a basic morality tale, does it still meet the criteria? I would venture to guess it depends on how fundamentalist the Christians in question are. Less rigid thinking adherents would argue that God can be found in any worldly take if one takes off the blinders. Can this also be true with Veganism?

Make no mistake: Veganism has its religious and, let's face it, cult-like aspects. Vegans often feel the need to criticize non-Vegans for their obscene eating and hunting practices and to proselytize for the faith. They even sometimes resort to the use of pseudo-science to make their points in admittedly more sophisticated ways than their Evangelical brethren.

Still, this post isn't for insulting Vegans. I admire anyone who can dedicate themselves to avoiding harming animals. And while I find Veganism a tad extreme, I have often flirted with Vegetarianism from time to time. My main point here is my confusion over how one can write and/or publish Vegan Science Fiction that doesn't have to mention, include or focus on Veganism? How does that work? Is the example I provided above insufficient? If so, allow me try another:

I have decided to once again self-publish an anthology of apocalyptic science fiction. But don't concern yourself with that first word to the point of stymying your writing! It doesn't actually have to concern the end of the world! Just don't include elements of a world not descending into apocalypse.

So, maybe that's the key. Avoid using concepts and elements Vegans find objectionable and you, my friend, have a potential Vegan Science Fiction story. Talk about high-concept.