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Being the Anniversary of the Most Difficult Loss.

Back in November of last year, I posted a tribute to my mother-in-law because it was her birthday and because she'd passed away nine months prior surrounded by loved ones. Today marks the anniversary of her passing and I think it suitable and appropriate to repost my wife's words concerning her memories of her mother and the horrible pain she is experiencing (The original post and picture of their hands follows this one):

"Tonight at 9:10pm, I watched you pass away. I grabbed your hand (Chris took the pic while crying) and immediately realized I felt the most devastating loss I could imagine. It caused a physical pain in my chest that went all the way through to my shoulders and back. I got in bed with you and held you for a while and then somehow felt a presence that never left me.

My life immediately changed forever. You weren't just my mom, you had told me since I was a tiny girl that I was... your best friend and through my entire life that it was, "Always just you and me, my girl." 

 12 months have gone by and although your constant presence has been felt by even Chris and especially the dog, I miss hearing my phone ring 5 times a day. I miss you calling me at 9pm at work to go for "just a little bite to eat," because that was our thing. Many times you would just to drive through our old neighborhood where you, me and Cliff lived. You always wanted to see the home you had to leave in 2001.

 You lived for being around people your whole life. You loved music. You loved art. You LOVED the lakes and ocean and especially the east coast. You loved lighthouses. You loved the sound of ships sounding their horns. You loved birds, penguins, elephants, and dogs and you were kind to all living creatures. You loved Winter but also the look of an English garden. You loved your faith. You loved academics. You marveled at science and even metaphysics. You had every book on longevity and the mind and you refused the idea of giving up the fight. You cried and laughed equally. We would make each other laugh and also scream our heads off at each other only to hold hands and say, "I love you forever." 

 Our song sing I was tiny was, " You and Me Against the World," and we danced to it at my wedding. I waited nearly 41 years to get married and mamma you walked me down the aisle and I would never have it any other way.

 Life has grown cold and empty for me these past 12 months and time has stood still. I don't sleep and I've somehow grown very old in my eyes. I love you, my best friend and mamma. I didn't give up on you then and my heart will never forget. Love you more.

And mamma...it's still you and me."

· February 17, 2016 ·

At 9:10pm on Wednesday, February 17th, in the year of our Lord, Two Thousand-Sixteen, my mamma and my world passed away.
A light of the world went dark and the ...spark of light in me went dark with her forever.

There are no appropriate words. There is no comfort. I've been here several times. But mamma...my mamma.
There is no mamma. I will love you with my dying breath

Two for Thanksgiving.

The only other time I ever wrote about Thanksgiving on this blog took the form of a history lesson/rant about the absolute bullshittery involved in such a dubious holiday. I was called crazy for writing it so I knew I’d done the right thing. I never revisited the topic because, honestly, what’s left to say that hasn’t been expounded on by others far more knowledgeable than I?

So, this post is not a history lesson but it is most certainly a rant.  A personal one.

In the wake of my mother-in-law’s passing, several things came to light and to pass. But she didn’t need to physically pass away to make that happen. Even before she was gone, months before, when she was no longer aware that it was a holiday,  my wife's siblings realized they no longer needed to avoid her scrutiny if they didn’t include my wife and, by extension, me in holiday gatherings.

Obviously if they could no longer get in trouble, they also no longer had to conform to the old ways of doing things. And while the irony of peoplre who refer to themselves as "The Family" and claim to embrace all forms of traditionalism comprising their supposed core values in the name of convenience and comfort isn’t lost on me, this post isn’t about pointing out hypocrisy. I could spend volumes on that. No, this post is about the simplest of concepts: Right and Wrong.

Who am I to discuss these things as if I’m an expert, they would probably say? My response is as simple as the concept: I’m a human being who knows better than to try and fool myself and others into thinking blatant disregard can be disguised as righteouness.

My wife devoted countless days and nights to her mother’s well-being only to be shut out towards the end for reasons I’ll not expound on here. Suffice it to say, the very least that could be done in honor of their mother and what went before is to extend an invitation to a holiday get-together. Who cares if she says no? If you don’t care enough to even present the appearance of propriety and compassion, you sure as hell shouldn’t care if someone declines an invitation. If anything, you’d get to spin it into a smug assurance of your own moral superiority.

So, perhaps the fear is that the invitation would be accepted and they would have to face their own shortcomings and wrongdoing. It is, after all, easier to remain in one’s bubble than to pop it and risk inhaling less familiar air.

That must be why they couldn’t even wait until their mother was completely gone before beginning the now annual act of choosing not to include my wife in the holidays.

You may notice that I haven’t really included myself in the non-inviting discussion. That’s because I have no stake in this. For my money, I could literally go the rest of my life and never partake in another holiday gathering with them and be perfectly fine. But she is their sister and aunt and they should at least have the good taste to go through the motions. One would think the nieces and nephews she helped raise who are now adults and had nothing to do with the falling out would acknowledge her on holidays, especially since she had made sure to send them birthday wishes. They did not return the favor on her birthday.

This year’s Thanksgiving will be almost like last year’s, with just the two of us feasting on an incredible meal (she prepared her mom's traditional meal to honor her)  my wife has prepared all by herself. Except last year we took food to her mom and spent the evening with her. No one else did that.

 I imagine at some point my wife might be hard-pressed to even do that as the years go on, and who could blame her? Pettiness has a way of gnawing at our souls until there’s precious little left. Still, sometimes I wonder if there really are only two of us. There have been signs and moments that indicate my wife is not alone.

I look forward to what she prepares and am thankful she is in my life and still willing to go through so much to make the day memorable and worthwhile, mostly in honor or her mother’s memory.

Ultimately, it is as my own mother used to say: We can’t control how others act, but we have almost total control over how we react.

Happy Thanksgiving~