Friday, January 13, 2012


We wrangled that insane Scribe alter-ego of mine back into the lab and locked his cage, but he posted this final piece of his way out:

Where I used to work, we were in constant training. It’s the nature of the industry. People are constantly demanding newer and more exciting products and we have to be trained on every single one of them. I took a training for a new PDA that was the major holiday season buzz and failed it like a retard with a drool cup.

We get to retake most tests until we passed them, the logic being it was better to learn through repetition than to feel like someone who will never get it.

This particular training had what I can only refer to as story problems. That’s probably why I failed. I hate those. I don’t like being forced to think inside a small tube, and that’s exactly what those things do. As if that weren’t enough, however, some of the questions were of a rather stereotypical nature. One specifically jumped out at me regarding a man named “Koji” who was a camera enthusiast. His name couldn’t have been Sam or Dave? Sure, part of the question involved international usage, but non-Japanese people do travel to other countries last time I checked the statistics. Ok, I never checked the statistics, but I’m pretty sure I’m right.

There were a few others that weren’t quite as in-yo-face stereotypical, but Koji stood out most. And then I realized something: They might need help making their questions more stereotypical! Maybe the people writing them don’t know all the racial, ethnic and gender-based stereotypes.

Thus, I decided to use my mighty writer’s arsenal to come up five examples for them, pro bono, so the future trainings can be more in line with the Koji example. Observe and be changed for the better:

Jose is an illegal bean farmer who loves to drive ’57 Chevy’s while drinking cerveza and blasting tejano music to the four winds. He needs a phone that can be used across the border as well as in the U.S. so he can coordinate with Hector, the man he’s paying to sneak his family into Texas. What phones would you recommend for his use?

Tyrone owns and operates the Get Down Grits & Greens Restaurant on Martin Luther King, Boulevard and is also a drug dealer. He needs a handset that can be operated hands-free so as to properly enjoy his fried chicken & watermelon while talking to his baby mama’s. What phones would work for him?

Jenny is a former bleach blond rock star groupie and general boy-go-round that decided at the age of 25 she was going to be respectable and landed a rich husband who has no idea about her past. Since she’s prone to marital infidelity and spending large sums of the money her husband brings home on useless crap because it’s on sale, she needs several handsets so as not to get caught. What phones would work for her?

Sydney Weintraub is a real estate broker and a slumlord that also holds membership in the Hollywood elite. Because of his utter ruthlessness in business and total disregard for anyone who isn’t Jewish, Sydney needs instant access to his financial records in order to properly evict indigent families from their homes. Which handsets would give him the ability to destroy lives and enjoy it since he is of the devil?

Cletus is a NASCAR and beer enthusiast who is constantly on the go in his pickup salvaging trash in the front yards of rich people. His overall disdain and envy for them causes him to “work” late hours in order to get whatever he thinks he’s entitled to. As a result, he needs a handset that can take pictures of the trash to send to his wife Raeleen so she can evaluate its worth as well as something he can use to text so he can give the trash pix names like, “This here’s a right purdy sofa bed, ain’t it?” What would you recommend?

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