Some of my Favorite Responses to Morons on News Articles.

While not as often as I once did, I still find myself commenting on news articles, mostly on Yahoo!, when someone makes a comment so moronic, so absurd and so goddam dumb that I simply cannot help myself. I try to be less antagonist these days, though, as long as they don't come at me that way.

 So, I have compiled a list of some of my favorite responses to (mostly) morons. Some of these are me replying to them replying to me but the majority are from my responses to their asinine comments or just my original comments on the articles. Some semblance of context is provided where needed:

• Awesome attempt at a slam but next time make sure you know the difference between Deniro and Pacino.
• Conservatives leveling accusations of McCarthyism is probably the funniest thing I've seen since they started quoting MLK!
• You seem genuinely unaware of Kid Rock's origins so I would suggest you look into his song "Grits Sandwiches for Breakfast" and then come back and tell us what black music he used. I could also have you speak to a man of color who was there during Rock's DJing period as a fellow DJ who said his mic skills were sorely lacking.
  Or you could wallow in self-righteous ignorance. Your choice
• Far too many identical comments supporting [Ron] Paul. And by identical I mean the wording, not the sentiment. Well, as we "Americans say,"Боже, благослови мать Россию."
• Oh, Cam as in camisole. Adjust the silky lady undergarments and relax. Your maleness *snicker* isn't under attack here.
• "Epic Pair Of Cat Leggings" is the exact phrase Nostradamus said would be uttered right before the endtimes.
• Who in their right mind would give my comment a thumbs down? Oh...answered my own question!
• You mean the 80's when people literally drove around looking for "guys that look gay" to beat nearly to death? Those were the days, my friend, lives were brought to an end...
• You do realize Elton John is gay, not merely festive?
• The scariest thing about [Steve] Bannon is that he can sometimes make lots of sense. just enough to momentarily convince you he's not an insidious hate-monger with a destructive ideology.
• (Re: The Joker movie) You're not too swift, are you? Also prone to projection. I never once "blamed" anyone. I merely made the point that anytime someone creates controversial art involving violence like this, it should at least occur to them that someone who is mentally ill could imitate it. Anything else you inferred is from your own particular brand of self-righteous idiocy.
  But please continue your inane examples because they're awfully amusing.
• "MIllenials are Killing Award Shows!"
  Hysterical details later tonight.
•  Clever retort. You must be a real cut-up at the group home.
• This seriously never occurred to him? Must be nice to float through life on a vapor cloud of your own cluelessness.
• (Re: Epstein) Because sex offenders should get a free pass?
  When do you get to remove your ankle tether?
• (Re: "Avatar") It was that rare message movie I agree with and still wanted it to shut up.
• Interesting how all I see in the comments section are people whining about guns being a God-given right and how Beto don't know nuthin' 'bout no guns no way, but nobody is mentioning the incredibly sexist diatribe from this idiot commentator who obviously regards "his girl" as property/\
• What does it feel like to have been born in the past few hours with no knowledge of history.

I hope you enjoyed these. If not, you won't want to read the next batch I post whenever I run out of posting ideas~

Oy, Such a Compliment That Was!

Although I mentioned it on Facebook, I refrained from mentioning specifics about my latest short story acceptance here because this is where I make my "official announcements" and I had not yet sent in my signed contract.  There's also the little matter of not wanting to jinx anything because, to be blunt, it's been a while since I've had anything accepted. However, this hasn't been a total surprise since, as I advised my Facebook friends, I tend to have better luck in the Fall.

I did make a brief mention of the story's acceptance in my post from September 28th post so maybe consider this the sequel to that award-winning piece of quasi-journalistic excellence. The story is titled, "Gorgon Not Forgotten" (hee-hee get it?) and it was accepted by Left Hand Publishing. Once I sent in my signed contract, biography and picture (ugh!) they replied with the suggested edits.

There were hardly any.

Not to brag, but the publisher of my first novel used to say I was the easiest person to edit because my first drafts tended to read like final ones. That didn't mean changes weren't necessary or that there was no room for improvement. It just meant my narrative structure was relatively strong and the requisite flow and plot progression weren't in need of repair. This may be telling stories out of school as they used to say but I don't normally start writing until I either have a complete vision in my head or, when I don't have one, I stop and start a lot rather than simply rushing through a first draft. That's an unusual technique and not one I necessarily recommend to others. The conventional wisdom is to not do what I do but I have found that I am less likely to finish the work if I don't push myself to make it final draft worthy the first time.

I am not, repeat not, arrogant enough to believe a prospective editor will see it that way. I am also one of the easiest people to request rewrites and edits from. Every word is not precious and sometimes one must indeed kill their darlings if they want to see one's work in print. If you don't agree, don't accept the offer.

When I opened the returned document containing my story and its suggested edits, I saw the following note in the right-hand corner:

"Hi Christopher. Excellent story and a pristine manuscript. As your story was being reviewed by the scorers, it was noted a couple of times that by changing just a few words, you could keep the progeny genderless. As you read through your manuscript again, try to forget whether it’s a he or a she. You’ll see how it adds another layer to your piece.
If you do not like that idea, just “reject” the couple of changes that we made.Thank you for a great read. Nice working with you on this project."

The note was followed by a handful of suggested grammatical changes. Personal feedback is rare enough in this field and any is appreciated, even if it's not positive. To receive positive feedback thanking me? That's yuge! Not to mention the amount of compliments contained in that one paragraph. Knowing that more than one person read it and found enough merit to agree it was publishable makes any semblance of impostor syndrome vanish like flatulence in a summer breeze.

More on that actual publication date when I know more on the actual...publication...you know what I mean!

This is What Brilliant Satire Looks Like.

Since the individual and, by extension, his followers and sarcasm/satire/parody are strangers to each other, may I present this brilliantly written and executed piece of satire for purely educational purposes?

Writing to Suit

Although I find myself doing it often, these days in particular, I'm always hesitant to write short stories for  anthologies with specific themes. The chances of getting the story accepted are usually low, especially if the story wasn't commissioned by the publisher, and then I'm left with what I consider a quality story that is too specific to send elsewhere.

I have gotten better at being strategic, however. Unless the anthology theme is one that grabs hold of me to the point where I become consumed with an instant story idea, I tend to weed out the more idiosyncratic ones in favor of themes that seem a bit more generalized. For example. if someone is looking for stories about the end of the world that only involve a wish gone horribly wrong, that story might be easily placed elsewhere. But if it's just about the end of the world being caused by a single poor decision, I'm all over it.

(I should confess here that the above example was one I actually wrote and published titled "Maynard" about a lovable, fun-loving sociopath whose hatred of humanity is eclipsed only by his ego)

Image obtained from Wickimedia Commons

Sometimes it's hard to not write the story anyway. There have been anthologies that paid well but what they wanted was so particular to that publication that it just didn't seem to be worth my time. I have few regrets on that score because I know that ultimately it makes more sense to aim wider. Such was not the case with the short story I had accepted earlier this week. Entitled, "Gorgon, not Forgotten," this was a case of literary hypocrisy on my part and I make no apologies for that.

"Gorgon" was written for an anthology looking for reworked mythological tales. The instant I read it, the words, "Medusa had a secret daughter" echoed inside my brain non-stop for several seconds. It was a case of a story taking hold of me and demanding to be told. Those are the moments most writers live for and I would have been damned if I'd allow that feeling pass without giving it its due. I finished the story rather quickly and had a few people read it. One hated it based on the fact that my version of the mythology was not what she "knew" to be the way it was supposed to work. Another loved it. One other couldn't get past the present tense and a fourth found it brilliant.

The story was rejected.

I wondered if my faith in its assumed (by me) quality had been misplaced. Sure, two people had really enjoyed it but what about those negative criticisms? Maybe they were right. How would I ever know, considering I'd written this story to suit a specific anthology? Then the Left Hand of Darkness emerged from deep within the Stygian depths of my unconscious mind. Or, more accurately, this publisher announced a somewhat similar anthology. Needless to say, the story was accepted.

So, is there a moral to this story or is it, as Homer Simpson once said, "Just a buncha stuff that happened"? I suppose if pressed to find a moral, it is to trust that inner voice in your head, the one that sounds like you. The one that doesn't sound like you might need to be medicated away unless it imbues you with super-powers. But that other voice knows you because it is you and, every once in a while, it's okay to step away from the hard and fast rules.

More info on this anthology as it becomes known~

2nd (and probably last) Patreon Post for September.

This post is fiction. Honestly. Not a word of it is based in any way on the tormented hell that is my life. 

Become a patron blah blah blah click here to read it yadda yadda yadda...

Quote of the Week!

When and how did [Meghan] McCain become an expert on the conservative viewpoint?If not for riding the coattails of her great father, McCain would be just another "body positive" housewife.

-Anonymous 

 

Short Stories No Longer Available.

It always saddens me when something I had published is no longer available to be purchased. And since most of my work has been published by tiny publishing houses, many of which closed their doors after just a few years of operation, the likelihood of not being able to find my work is greater than hoped. This is especially true of work that was only published in print form but it is by far not exclusively the case.

I've been fortunate enough to have published and, in some cases, republished well over three dozen short stories and two novels. The story count might be even higher than that now but I'm not obsessive about counting. Thankfully, the majority of my work can still be found.

Unfortunately, sometimes a publisher doesn't simply cease publishing. Sometimes they vanish like the proverbial fart upon yon breeze. Such was the case with the publisher of SciFan Magazine, the first publication to print a story of mine. I submitted a second story to the publisher only to soon realize he was more interested in promoting his own science fiction novel than in continuing to publish a high-quality magazine.  And it was high-quality. You can see by clicking here that SciFan is no more.

The story SciFan published, "No More Goodbyes," was not one I consider among my best, although I'm still rather fond of it. One story I do consider one of my best appeared in the anthology, "The Good Fight" concerning a superhero called Vanishing Act who discovers that the battle against evil isn't necessarily one he should be waging. That story is now out of print and I feel it deserves further consideration.

Perhaps the most painful loss is my beloved The Darkness Internal. Aussie publisher and friend Mark Turner ran out of funds after a rather impressive dual run of his main Voluted Tales Magazine and my imprint, named above. I got to publish six issues before the inevitable ax descended and, for several years afterwards and to the surprise of Mark, the issues remained online. I foolishly allowed myself to believe they always would be but the links no longer work. Now the only record of The Darkness Internal's existence can be found on blogs such as this one and this one.

It's sad to see a publication that included one's work gone into the ether; it happens to even the most famous authors. But when it's something I worked on from conception to inception, I can't deny that it hurts. I wish I'd thought of compiling the better stories into a self-published "Best of" but alas, I did not.

For those who may not be aware, most short stories, still available or not, become available to the author again within a year of publication. So, those stories that are no longer available could have been shopped around to others while they were still actively able to be purchased. A few were, actually.

As an author, I feel duty-bound to send work I have confidence back out for further consideration. And at some point, they will be collected in a short collection that will also one day go out of print.

Seeing Sequels to Movies I Hated

I know I've written about this before but feel it needs reiterating: The idea that there are people who see movies, feel underwhelmed, and then say, "But you know the sequel is gonna be really good," is  beyond idiotic to me. It isn't that they needed to love a movie in order to see its sequel. It isn't even that they found a way to become invested enough in the story or characters or both to return. The idiotic part comes from the assumption that the first movie is often underwhelming but just wait for that next one, man!

Seriously? Have we become so addled by mediocrity and cynical marketing that we accept our own stupidity as justification for why our entertainment fails to work?

What bothers me even more, however, is when the people who act this way treat me as if I'm the crazy one when I say there is no way in hell I'm seeing a sequel to a movie I hated. Why would I? Why would anyone? That's anywhere from ninety minutes to over three hours of my life I'll never get back. Why the hell would I want to subject myself to that again? And more importantly, if I'm not invested after the first movie, why should I care what happens in the second one?

For years, a friend of mine has been doing this level best to convince me to see the sequels to a movie I absolutely despised because he sincerely believes I will say the second one was the one the filmmakers should have started with. When I reply that that would just piss me off because I spent time watching the first one, he seems baffled by my response.

That film series, along with the rest, is listed below in where I have compiled several examples of movies I saw whose sequels I do not ever plan to watch even for free:

The Matrix Reloaded: I found the first movie derivative, trite and poorly acted.

It: Chapter 2: Worst movie I saw in 2017. A total rape of the source material by a hack filmmaker and a terrible cast of bad actors.

The Second Pirates of the Caribbean: Come on! Have we met?

Frozen 2: (See Pirates reply)

The Hobbit 2: Not saying Jackson lost his mojo but it was nowhere on display in the first Hobbit film.


You'll notice some of these films are more than a few years old and only one hasn't yet been released. There are others but these are good examples. There have also been films whose sequels I swore I'd never see but did because of my investment in the character(s) via other interpretations, but even then I feel dirty and was pretty disappointed.

I was recently asked if I was going to wait to see the second "It" when it was released on DVD and I merely shook my head. At some point, with the exception of this post, I came to the conclusion that there really is nothing else to be said~

First Patreon Post of September.

Remiss in my duties once again, here finally is the Patreon Post you've no doubt been awaiting with bated and whiskey-soaked breath!

GREATEST QUOTE EVER!

And yes, she said it!

Religious Fanatic Takes "Steal this Book!" to Heart but it's the Wrong Book.

Apparently an anthology I am in offended the delicate sensibilities of at least one self-appointed soldier for the Lord. At least, that's how the anthology's publisher is interpreting it.

It makes sense, based on how the petty crime took place. You can get the whole story here but here's a pull quote in case your clickin' finger is sore:

"...other books were left alone, as was a tablet and some cash..."

B Cubed Press Bob Brown's response to the thief is pretty entertaining because, ultimately, the fact that fiction can still cause this reaction in people means it still has the power to transform and to make people think. That is worth more to me than any financial reward my story gained.

The funny thing is, the only reason I even know about this is because I happened to be on my Amazon Author page where a newer reader review of the anthology mentioned the theft.  You can read that review here and even though the reader doesn't mention my story (how dare they?) it's a glowingly positive one that might not have happened if some jackass hadn't tried to censor what you're able to read.