God, I wish I could remember the name of the comedian who told this joke but it's been so long since I saw him perform it on TV that I truly have no idea. However, I do remember the basics of the joke and why it has stuck with me all these years. To paraphrase:
The comedian was doing a show in the deep south and decided to go to one of those waffle houses they seem to love so much for breakfast. The "waffle waitress" as he referred to her took his order and he started reading a book he'd brought.
"Lookit him," someone in he restaurant said. "He's got him a book!"
Someone else stood up, hands on hips, and said, "Looks like we got us a reader."
Baffled, the comedian gazed about the room as the waffle waitress returned with his coffee and stared at him with squinty eyes. "What'choo readin' a book fer?" she asked.
The comedian shrugged. "I don't know...so I won't have to become a waffle waitress!"
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
MY NOVEL "DREAMERS AT INFINITY'S CORE"
Prominently displayed at the Ann Arbor, MI. book festival. The novel is now offically out but it will be a few weeks before copies can be ordered by the general public.
I have a few copies for friends & family & am very pleased with the way it turned out~
Thursday, May 14, 2009
RECOMMENDED READING LIST:
10 novels that will change your life, realign the stars and help you figure out why there’s always for Jell-O.
(I chose to refrain from any reviewing of these books and provide only brief plot descriptions so you can make up your own minds. If you require any assistance with that, I’ll gladly do the thinking for both of us---enjoy)
RANT by Chuck Palahniuk- Can one attain immortality by going back in time and killing one’s self? That is just one of the many concepts explored in this tale of dysfunctional people who enjoy getting into car accidents.
GHOST ATLAS- by David Mitchell- An author known for his ability to interweave seemingly disparate storylines into a strangely cohesive final moment that one can blink and miss, this is Mitchell’s epic take on several different characters separated by time but perhaps not by spirit.
THE BODY ARTIST- by Don DeLillo- A surreal take on a grieving female artist living with a strange man who may or may not be the remaining essence of her deceased husband.
TERRORIST by John Updike- The literary master weaves a tale of corrupted innocence as we get to watch a young American boy of Middle Eastern descent drawn into a maze of deceit and propaganda.
IT’S SUPERMAN! By Tom De Haven- Perfect savior from Krypton? Not so much in this re-imagining of the famous tale of the immigrant from the stars. In this version he’s kind’ve dumb and simple and seems to stumble into his destiny like a rhino in a photo booth. Any character actor would kill to get the Lex Luthor part in this book.
THE PISTOL POETS by Victor Gischler- A fast-paced journey into the violent lives of, of all things, a poetry professor, a drug dealer using a dead man’s identity to get into college and a host of supporting characters with chips on their shoulders, this one is a page-turner.
THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO BIFF, CHRIST’S CHILDHOOD PAL by Christopher Moore- The author brings his special blend of irreverence and life-loving prose to the so-called “missing years” of Jesus’ life.
OH THE GLORY OF IT ALL! By Sean Wilsey- The first of my two non-fiction selections, this one traces the life of the author whose background includes a mother who created a peace movement and a father whose lack of interest causes some truly fascinating moments.
A MAN WITHOUT A COUNTRY by Kurt Vonnegut- Supposedly Vonnegut’s “last book” until his latest last book came out a few months ago, Vonnegut expresses his sorrow and disgust at the direction the U.S. had taken during the Bush years in ways both humorous and depressing.
THE ADVENTURES OF KAVALIER & CLAY by Michael Chabon- A tale of two Jewish kids in New York in the 1930’s, one American the other a Polish refugee from Nazi occupation, who create a popular superhero called The Escapist. Uniquely accessible to readers of all tastes.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
THE FIRST 100
3 novels I could not finish reading & why
It is well known in the fiction writing world that writers get three chapters to dazzle a potential publisher before their life’s work is tossed into the scrap pile. That’s why most literary agents request that we only send the first three chapters, the conventional wisdom being that no worthwhile novel can survive the grim specter of short attention spans beyond that point.
I find that to be a gross and often inaccurate generalization based, no doubt, more on reluctance to invest the amount of time and effort necessary to truly discern whether or not a novel is worthwhile. In other words, it’s far easier to insist upon a system than to pour through piles and piles of potential time-wasters.
In my opinion, one cannot really know whether or not someone’s book is a waste of time until somewhere around the 100-page mark. I write that with the full knowledge that the average person doesn’t have the attention span to read that many pages of a book that isn’t grabbing them.
I have chosen three novels from years gone by that I stopped reading at the 100-page mark. They are “Creature” by John Saul, “Angels & Demons” by Dan Brown & the first Dresden Files novel entitled, “Storm Front.”
“Creature” by John Saul- Synopsis: The author has often, perhaps harshly, been referred to as the poor man’s Stephen King. His stories tend to be similar in theme if not tone and nobody can deny his huge success in the horror field. Unfortunately, “Creature” was a misfire that affected my views on Saul for years to come. The novel takes place in one of those small towns where football is the main religion and those who don’t play it or like it are ostracized. In traditional Dean Koontz style, there is a secret laboratory creating…wait, this is a John Saul novel, right? So I guess he bears a resemblance to two established authors. Anyway, the geeky teenage protagonist fits within the latter category, much to the chagrin of his old-fashioned thinking father. The secret lab might have the answer, though. They are pumping kids full of all sorts of steroids and other enhancements in an effort to create the perfect physical specimens. Naturally, something goes horribly wrong when the geeky kid undergoes the procedures.
Reason I Stopped Reading: At some point along the way, I stopped enjoying the premise and realized there was little else tying the events of the story together. All the clichés were there, including the “beautiful” girl the protagonist can’t have and the abusive jocks that see him as a flyspeck on the wall. The story is supposed to pick up once he becomes the creature of the title but sadly it goes nowhere fast, descending into adolescent angst and revenge fantasies. Around page 100, I grew tried of being inside this self-pitying protagonist’s mind and of the fact that nothing was happening except cardboard cutouts were being given dialogue and closed it never to open it again. Anyone I’ve ever challenged to read this book has had the exact same reaction to it.
“Angels & Demons” by Dan Brown- Synopsis: Contrary to the order of film release, this is Robert Langdon’s first adventure in the revised history universe of Dan Brown’s apparent quest to convince us that all history is BS. In this novel, Langdon is recruited to assist with the investigation of murders being committed in Vatican City during the selecting of the new Pope. Naturally, this is no simple case. In a bizarre and woefully inaccurate portrayal of the Illuminati as angry freethinkers bent on revenge, Brown creates elaborate deaths for priests as Langdon…sigh…races against time to solve the mystery.
Reason I Stopped Reading: This one was loaned to me a few years ago by a co-worker who didn’t want it back. She claimed to really enjoy it though and considered it to be quite the page-turner. I suppose if one can define that as the reader flipping through pages to find the interesting parts, she was correct. I have so many issues with Brown’s writing that it would take an entire post or twelve to truly illustrate all of them. Suffice to say in this case the “Davinci code” prequel is filled with so many clichés that it becomes almost amusing to read along and predict the next turn of events. From the “beautiful” female academic to the stern yet reasonable security force officer and the times murders our heroes arrive to mere seconds too late, this novel comes off as a first term creative writing assignment. Brown’s annoying tendency to throw in often incorrect historical factoids is bad enough, but portraying the Illuminati as this wrongfully persecuted group of well-meaning scientists from the Middle Ages ignores all evidence of an occult connection. The Catholic Church is a big ol’ easy target and Brown has no problem with descending to the lowest common denominator to sell books.
“Dresden files: Storm Front” by Jim Butcher-Synopsis: Recently two of the writers in my writers workshop who also happen to be associated with COM Publishing handed me the first two “Dresden Files” novels, sure that I would love them as much as they did. For those unfamiliar with this bestselling fantasy series, it revolves around a modern-day wizard who advertises his services and works as a consultant to the local police department.
Reason I Stopped Reading: Harry Dresden uses his magic for…well, as of this writing I don’t know what he uses his magic for. 100 pages in and he has yet to use it. That’s not the only issue I have with this book. The characterizations are annoyingly bland. Dresden is a pantywaist that spends all of his time dreading normal things like women and electronics. Apparently a wizard can’t use things like TV’s and computers because of the energy they generate. A pretty cool gimmick that, but this novel is nothing but gimmicks. The murder mystery is interesting enough but it doesn’t go anywhere. Dresden is a weenie and not likable in the slightest and his supporting cast of cynical women and one cynical man and an animated skull that employs flat sarcasm makes it feel more like a cheesy TV show than a novel. One of the workshop writers informed me that the first two novels aren’t that great but it really picks up after that. I am not a series reader. I rarely invest in anything that is longer than a trilogy (see earlier posts for more on this) and I don’t see enough in the concept to make me want to read further. F. Paul Wilson’s “Repairman Jack” series has nothing to worry about.
As you can see, these three novels are very different from each other but they do share one common thing: They all did extremely well. Despite my dislike of them and my theory that 100 pages is enough to determine the potential lousiness of a novel, these three books are very popular.
Imagine, then, how many great novels have been overlooked or discarded because of the three chapter rule~
It is well known in the fiction writing world that writers get three chapters to dazzle a potential publisher before their life’s work is tossed into the scrap pile. That’s why most literary agents request that we only send the first three chapters, the conventional wisdom being that no worthwhile novel can survive the grim specter of short attention spans beyond that point.
I find that to be a gross and often inaccurate generalization based, no doubt, more on reluctance to invest the amount of time and effort necessary to truly discern whether or not a novel is worthwhile. In other words, it’s far easier to insist upon a system than to pour through piles and piles of potential time-wasters.
In my opinion, one cannot really know whether or not someone’s book is a waste of time until somewhere around the 100-page mark. I write that with the full knowledge that the average person doesn’t have the attention span to read that many pages of a book that isn’t grabbing them.
I have chosen three novels from years gone by that I stopped reading at the 100-page mark. They are “Creature” by John Saul, “Angels & Demons” by Dan Brown & the first Dresden Files novel entitled, “Storm Front.”
“Creature” by John Saul- Synopsis: The author has often, perhaps harshly, been referred to as the poor man’s Stephen King. His stories tend to be similar in theme if not tone and nobody can deny his huge success in the horror field. Unfortunately, “Creature” was a misfire that affected my views on Saul for years to come. The novel takes place in one of those small towns where football is the main religion and those who don’t play it or like it are ostracized. In traditional Dean Koontz style, there is a secret laboratory creating…wait, this is a John Saul novel, right? So I guess he bears a resemblance to two established authors. Anyway, the geeky teenage protagonist fits within the latter category, much to the chagrin of his old-fashioned thinking father. The secret lab might have the answer, though. They are pumping kids full of all sorts of steroids and other enhancements in an effort to create the perfect physical specimens. Naturally, something goes horribly wrong when the geeky kid undergoes the procedures.
Reason I Stopped Reading: At some point along the way, I stopped enjoying the premise and realized there was little else tying the events of the story together. All the clichés were there, including the “beautiful” girl the protagonist can’t have and the abusive jocks that see him as a flyspeck on the wall. The story is supposed to pick up once he becomes the creature of the title but sadly it goes nowhere fast, descending into adolescent angst and revenge fantasies. Around page 100, I grew tried of being inside this self-pitying protagonist’s mind and of the fact that nothing was happening except cardboard cutouts were being given dialogue and closed it never to open it again. Anyone I’ve ever challenged to read this book has had the exact same reaction to it.
“Angels & Demons” by Dan Brown- Synopsis: Contrary to the order of film release, this is Robert Langdon’s first adventure in the revised history universe of Dan Brown’s apparent quest to convince us that all history is BS. In this novel, Langdon is recruited to assist with the investigation of murders being committed in Vatican City during the selecting of the new Pope. Naturally, this is no simple case. In a bizarre and woefully inaccurate portrayal of the Illuminati as angry freethinkers bent on revenge, Brown creates elaborate deaths for priests as Langdon…sigh…races against time to solve the mystery.
Reason I Stopped Reading: This one was loaned to me a few years ago by a co-worker who didn’t want it back. She claimed to really enjoy it though and considered it to be quite the page-turner. I suppose if one can define that as the reader flipping through pages to find the interesting parts, she was correct. I have so many issues with Brown’s writing that it would take an entire post or twelve to truly illustrate all of them. Suffice to say in this case the “Davinci code” prequel is filled with so many clichés that it becomes almost amusing to read along and predict the next turn of events. From the “beautiful” female academic to the stern yet reasonable security force officer and the times murders our heroes arrive to mere seconds too late, this novel comes off as a first term creative writing assignment. Brown’s annoying tendency to throw in often incorrect historical factoids is bad enough, but portraying the Illuminati as this wrongfully persecuted group of well-meaning scientists from the Middle Ages ignores all evidence of an occult connection. The Catholic Church is a big ol’ easy target and Brown has no problem with descending to the lowest common denominator to sell books.
“Dresden files: Storm Front” by Jim Butcher-Synopsis: Recently two of the writers in my writers workshop who also happen to be associated with COM Publishing handed me the first two “Dresden Files” novels, sure that I would love them as much as they did. For those unfamiliar with this bestselling fantasy series, it revolves around a modern-day wizard who advertises his services and works as a consultant to the local police department.
Reason I Stopped Reading: Harry Dresden uses his magic for…well, as of this writing I don’t know what he uses his magic for. 100 pages in and he has yet to use it. That’s not the only issue I have with this book. The characterizations are annoyingly bland. Dresden is a pantywaist that spends all of his time dreading normal things like women and electronics. Apparently a wizard can’t use things like TV’s and computers because of the energy they generate. A pretty cool gimmick that, but this novel is nothing but gimmicks. The murder mystery is interesting enough but it doesn’t go anywhere. Dresden is a weenie and not likable in the slightest and his supporting cast of cynical women and one cynical man and an animated skull that employs flat sarcasm makes it feel more like a cheesy TV show than a novel. One of the workshop writers informed me that the first two novels aren’t that great but it really picks up after that. I am not a series reader. I rarely invest in anything that is longer than a trilogy (see earlier posts for more on this) and I don’t see enough in the concept to make me want to read further. F. Paul Wilson’s “Repairman Jack” series has nothing to worry about.
As you can see, these three novels are very different from each other but they do share one common thing: They all did extremely well. Despite my dislike of them and my theory that 100 pages is enough to determine the potential lousiness of a novel, these three books are very popular.
Imagine, then, how many great novels have been overlooked or discarded because of the three chapter rule~
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
FAREWELL, MR. DELUISE
I just watched him in "Smokey & the Bandit II" the other night. This happened to me once before. I had this odd urge to watch "Running Scared" with Billy Crystal & Gregory Hines, a film I hadn't thought of in years. Two days later Hines died. I wouldn't be a writer if this didn't inspire a story idea.
Deluise was such a gifted comedic actor, the last of a dying breed including the late, great Harvey Korman. Although he hadn't worked in well over a decade, he shall be missed terribly~
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2 Migraine-inducingly Moronic Posts
No commentary, no attempts to rationalize. Just gaze, if you dare, on the stupid!
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I was first introduced to Kurt Vonnegut in a Literature class. I’d just recently taken a creative writing class and was feeling all read out...