The Oddest Rejection Letter (so far)

It's always good to receive a personalized rejection letter because it generally means the editor agonized or at least hesitated over the decision to exclude it from their magazine. Many times I've received the "not a good fit" or "the writing is engaging but..." and that's just the nature of the game. This one, however, seems to have struck a nerve in the editor. What makes me say that? Well, considering the fact that he or she works for a magazine that has a synonym for "death" in its title and publishes horror stories, what other explanation can there be if they didn't have a problem with the writing?

Here's the letter with the magazine's name excluded:

We at (magazine) received your submission: "Soulmate Express". After considered review by our editorial staff we have decided not to publish your story.

The story is too depressing for me, it's just not the kind of story I'm looking for to put in (magazine).

Please also take a few minutes and log our response time at (link excluded) We work hard to respond to writers in a timely manner, which allows them to submit again to another market if not selected for publication. Reporting response times helps us attract writers and helps writers make good decisions about where they want to submit.

Let's ignore the fact that the editor of a fiction magazine used the phrase "for to put" as if they're coming from Louisiana with a banjo on their knee. Am I the only one that noticed the contradictory phrasing of "review by our editorial staff" and "too depressing for me?" To paraphrase that great sage Bud Bundy, am I the only one that noticed the emperor has holes in his underwear?

Oh, but the best part is the request at the end to do their marketing and research work for them. I'm all for that writing community crap but it ends at the fingertips of the person who accepts or rejects my work and decides if I get paid for it.

A friend recommended I frame this one. I think I might. All part of the experience~