Dispatches From the Coronavirus Days #7

This edition comes to you directly from the armpit of humanity, displaying some of the worst excuses for land mammals to ever trod upon the Earth. When you're done with this Dispatch, any vestiges of faith you had in your fellow hairless bi-peds will be flushed straight down into the sewer of eternity.
So let's begin with a trip into Satan's asscrack, also know as

Nazis and White Supremacists: Despite Donald Trump's assertions that there are "Some good people" amongst this swine, even he would be hardpressed to find anything redeemable about what many of them are encouraging one another to do during a global pandemic. According to the FBI, online chatter from the Master Race seems singularly focused on spreading Covid-19 to law enforcement officers and Jews. They've gone as far as to look into placing their disgusting bodily secretions into spray bottles to use on the aforementioned targets. This is, of course, because they blame the Jewish people for the creation and spread of the virus and law enforcement are seen as their stooges and servants. It's difficult not to hope those who wind up with the virus become too sick to leave their beds. Anything beyond that will remain unspoken...here at least.

Florida Man, Make Way for Florida Woman:  In most cases, we can laugh at the outrageous behavior of the various weirdoes and malcontents who embody the catch-all Florida Man. So perhaps it naturally follows that if Florida Man is mostly a souce of amusement, Floria Woman is probably, well, a bitch and a lowlife in a different way. Enter this slice of scumbag pie. Not only is she hoarding toilet paper by buying up the dollar store's entire stock, but she openly admits to planning on selling it at a markup. She could have said she was buying them to distribute to elderly shut-ins but that sentiment wouldn't jibe with her "Go, Donald Trump!" non-sequitir. It's good that the woman filming her kept her composure but let's not forget that the dollar store let the lowlife buy up their stock in this first place.

Teens Coughing on Produce: It's not just a Disgusting Porn Site Search Term Anymore: Teenagers think everything stupid is funny. They always have. It's part of the developmental process that turns psychopathic assholes into lesser assholes as the hormone surges subside with age. Sadly,  an entire generation has grown up thinking meager slices of so-called online "fame" somehow justify their forays into idiocy. Case in point: Coughing on produce during a global pandemic and then posting a video of it online. The incident to which this post refers occured in Virginia at an undisclosed grocery store where the workers removed the potentally infected produce immediately. According to Virginia police, this is not an isolated incident either. Their Facebook page mentions a disturbing trend around the U.S.

And finally, because no descent into human pond scummery would be complete without at least one politician's amoral conduct,

A Global Pandemic, you say? Get my Stockbroker on the Phone: In the movie Contagion, Laurence Fishburne's CDC doctor character faces losing his job because he warns a friend to get out of her hometown before the pendemic reaches her. It's a moral gray area and something almost anybody would do in real life. Less ethically and morally ambiguous are the responses of some Republican senators and at least one husband of a Democrat who, upon hearing of the impending Covid-19 outbreak, did what any caring, empathetic human being would. They sold their stocks in companies facing devaluing. Senator Richard Burr of North Carolina, head of the Senate Intelligence Committee, sold upwards of $1.7 million. In response to the calls for his immediate resignation, he basically said, "OH, is that why you thought I did it? Nah, I am just a really smart investor!" Everybody else claimed they have investors doing the work for them so they were unaware of the sales.

More to come~



Read Previous Dispatch here.

Hobby Lobby Remaining Open Because "God"

 God-fearin' and exploitin' Hobby Lobby CEO David Green's "prayer warrior" wife Barbara prayed so hard about this Covid-19 epidemic bugaboo that she was rewarded with a vision in the form of three easily memorized and repeated words: "Guide, Guard and Groom." And since God apparently talks like a sales seminar, that phrase is somehow meant to comfort the thousands of Hobby Lobby employees who are being made to continue working at the arts and crafts superstore.
As you can see from the memo to the left, Hobby Lobby has no intention of modifying its hours, let alone closing during a global pendemic; not when there are sales and money to be made.
You don't have to take this blog's word for it, however. The email pictured below gives pretty clear indication of the extent to which the Hobby Lobby corporation will go to profit off of tragedy.

At this point, if you still don't want to accept the evidence as presented by awesome Twitter user "Towanda the Avenger," maybe this actual notice from the Hobby Lobby website will convince you. Pay especial attention to the sentence where they say any employees who exhibit signs of Covid-19 will be sent home to self-isolate but nothing about immediately closing down right after. Clearly the CDC guidelines are not a concern for Green because his wife's conveniently catchy God-provided vision will save the day.

None of this should come as a surprise to anyone who has followed the Hobby Lobby saga over the years. Providing meager sick pay and violating the Family Medical Leave Act at least once, Green's fundamentalist hypocrisy has been on full display for years. Many would consider this a new low, however. A non-essential business remaining open based on dubious claims of Godly protection that is clearly exploiting a global pandemic for sales reasons isn't just affecting individuals or even the company's employees. Keeping their stores open when the World Health Organization, The CDC and your local veterinarian all agree you should not is irresponsible and the very hallmark of profit over people.

Dispatches from the Coronavirus Days #6

Don't Stand, Walk, Lurk or Exist So Close to Me: I waited a few days to do another Dispatch because this thing has apparently taken off in some small way and I wanted to let readers catch up before I started again. As we all should know by now in these days of global pandemic, staying home and maintaining a distance of six feet from others is the recommended way to slow down the virus's progress. Slow down, not stop. There is no stopping it yet. This thing is the ultimate invisible predator, able to live on surfaces and in the air. But it can also be killed with soap and water and bleach. However, those things aren't going to curb its advance so stop going to the fucking grocery store with your entire family, unmasked, un-gloved and not maintaining distance!

The Few, The Masked, the Aware: Naturally, I have a real-life example or two because I try not to pull things out of the virus-infected air.  Today at a certain higher-caliber supermarket, I was one of five people in the entire store wearing masks. Even the staff was walking around without gloves. And nobody was maintaining a six foot distance. In fact, one woman seemed to be everywhere I wanted to go, standing either right in front of me or to my side. So, I'm not proud of it but I started coughing in my mask. Suddenly social distancing seemed to become her number one priority.

Brief Scare: The night before last, my asthmatic wife who has been dealing with an upper respiratory infection we're almost positive is not Covid-19 had an excacerbation. In case you're unfamiliar with what that is, read all about it. The last time she had one this severe, she wound up in the hospital for a week; that was when her chuldhood asthma became chronic. Back then she didn't have all the equipment and medication to treat it. Despite all that, it still looked really bad and normally we would have taken her to the hospital, but the pandemic has made that nearly impossible right now. Also, since her pulmonologist says I can't be in the room for three hours after she uses her breathing treatment, I slept downstairs. The next morning, I heard sirens nearby. That's not unusual because of how close we live to a hospital, but when they suddenly stopped and it sounded like the vehicle stopped right outside my house, my first thought, "Oh, no. She called 911 from upstairs." But I was wrong. The EMS was across the street at the grocery store, where I saw someone being wheeled out on a gurney. You can probably guess I didn't shop there like I had planned.

Finally, the Writer Makes a Literary Reference: I didn't create the image above. The attribution seems to belong to a librarian named Louise Darlington. Frankly, it couldn't be more accurate. I mean, we've reached a point where nearly every title listed is a plausible outcome both for the U.S. and the planet. In fact, I could easily see most of these combining into one big fat dystopia. I've been telling people for years to listen to the science fiction writers. Now we're living it.

Some Heroes Don't Wear Capes or Masks: Italy isn't only Ground Zero for the pandemic in Europe, it's also a prime example of what can happen in America if we don't handle this outbreak properly. Five more Italian doctors have died  fighting this thing. Two of them were 70-year old retirees who returned to the field to help out. Lack of supplies such as gloves and masks continue to take a toll in Italy, where over 8% of its medical workers have died from the virus. Meanwhile, in the Hoarding States of America, our own medical professionals are posting frantically online about how they also don't have masks and gloves. Dr. Oz even called it our "patriotic duty" to not hoard masks and, in fact, to go without them.

Beach Blanket a-gone-gone: Finally, after allowing way too many people to potentially infect one another on its beaches, America's Wang's governor ordered them shut down. Governor Ron DeSantis (R) said, "The Party's over in Florida" after video of idiotic springbreakers proudly defying the CDC recommendations in the name of partying and being stupid went viral. Too little, too late.

Shit Just Got Realer(er): As I was writing this latest Dispatch and about to end with the current trend of teenagers licking groceries and videoing themselves, I heard voices outside and walked over to the window to investigate. A large SUV sat at the stop sign with its emergency lights flashing. Assuming the person was having car trouble, I went back to writing until, a few minutes later, I noticed red lights reflecting off the wall over my wife's head. We both went to see what was happening and there was a EMS, the second one outside my house today, parked with people working in the back on someone. I could see one of them wearing a mask. When the other one emerged from the back, he got behind the wheel and they drove off slowly. The SUV was nowhere to be seen. Obviously it could have been anything that caused them to call 911 but the liklihood that it was Covd-19 related is too high to ignore.

I think I'll stop writing now~



Read the previous Dispatch here.

Dispatches from the Coronavirus Days #5

And the Dumbest MF'er Quote Goes to: Ohio resident Bradley Sluder currently on Spring Break in Florida vowed to keep partying despite the global pandemic. "If I get Corona, I get Corona. At the end of the day, I'm not gonna let it stop me from partying."
This wise sage isn't alone either. A whole gaggle of dumbasses has vowed to keep up the frivolity, ignoring all CDC warnings to the contrary.

Dumbest MF'er First Runner up: Indiana resident Atlantis Walker ---yes, you read right, he's named after the fabled lost continent --- got all social justice on the virus's ass by saying, "This virus ain't that serious. There's more serious things out there like hunger and poverty. We need to address that." Wow. A truly in-depth analysis of our society. So what if a viral pandemic could conceivably make those issues worse. Not to worry, though. Bradley and Atlantis are not alone in their abject stupidity.

Seems Pricey but your Hiney Will Thank You: Speaking of lowrent, profiteering scumbags, a man in Canton, Michigan was caught selling cases of toilet paper from his trunk for sixty dollars each. Even better, he was in a Meijer parking lot when he did it! For those that don't know, Meijer is a massive Michigan-based department store that has spread into other parts of the U.S. A disgusted man took video of the incident and it has been shared over 1000 times online.
(Source: WXYZ Channel 7- Detroit)

Now it's a Tragedy, Now it's so Sad to See: Those words, first rapped by Yale University Poet in Residence Marshall Mathers,certainly ring true in two significant ways. First, Donald Trump's untrue insistence that he always saw Covid-19 asa  pandemic when he clearly dismissed it as a hoax early on. Second, now that a member of congress has been diagnosed, it somehow matters even more. Florida Congressman Mario Diaz-Balart is urging people to take the virus very seriously, yet Florida continues to host the morons mentioned above on some of their beaches.

A Brief Herstory of Naming this thing: Covid-19 has moved so fast, jumping from animal to human and then to humans, that scientists didn't have time to give it a sexy name before the majority assumed it was "THE Coronavirus" despite there being many such as SARS and Swine Flu, and others throwing "China" into all references as a way to demonize an entire nation of people. While all indications are that it did indeed originate in China, referring to it as "The Chinese Coronavirus" as Donald Trump has or the "Wuhan Virus" as Tucker Carlson has serves no one except those seeking to create divisions among people. By the time the scientists came up with the semi-catchy name "Covid-19," the various deeds were done. Yes, we know it started in China and yes, we know the Chinese government probably lied about the infection and death rates. But blaming China accomplishes nothing good. For example:

Cotton Picking Fights: Arkansas Republican Senator Tom Cotton wants to kick that mean old virus's ass 'Murica style. In typical flaccid rhetoric, Cotton said, "We will hold accountable those who inflicted it on the world." So watch out, Blofeld! 007 comin' for dat ass!

Can't Spell Dirty Triflin' & Evil Without "DTE": This one could have been posted two Dispatches ago but I waited in the hopes that even a wicked utility company might do the right thing. Well, they haven't so far and there's no indication they're going to. I received emails from such disparate companies as AMC initially stating that would be limiting theaters to 50% capacity before wisely choosing to follow the governor's directive to close. Banks have sent emails insuring the safety of customers and their empoyees. Well, Detroit Energy (DTE) sent an email, too. It was heartfelt and reassuring for anyone who might need help with their accounts right now. I know I'll always remember the day I read those three magic words:

  PAYMENT DUE REMINDER

Feel the love, everybody. 

Feel the love.

More to come?

Read Previous Dispatch here.

Dispatches from the Coronavirus Days #4

Look to the Skies: Like any major event, Covid-19 has its share of associated conspiracy theories but my favorite is the one I saw on a UFOs and aliens Facebook page. Who am I kidding? 90% of them came from that page, but this one is definitely the best: Apparently the powers-that-be don't want us outside looking up when the UFOs arrive and start landing! And if it fails under mild scrutiny because the theorist neglected to account for the fact that we've been told it's actually encouraged to go outside? Screw it! The theory kicks ass!

Spend Big Money at Menards: Wisconsin-based retailer Menards was recently sent a cease & desist letter by the Michigan Attorney State General for price gouging. Specifically they rasied prices on cleaning products and protective masks. A Facebook friend claimed they knew someone who paid seven dollars for a small bottle of Lysol airspray. They were given ten days to reply. Ten days. Imagine all the gouge they can still pull off in that time before deciding to comply. Hopefully, people will stop going there until this has been resolved.

Leave the Ghostlight On When you Tweet: Governor Whitmer's response to Covid-19 has been commendable. Only a fool would say otherwise. Enter President Donald Trump, whose weird, out-of-nowhere Tweet accused her of not doing enough and ended with him claiming he and his administration were basically lighting s fire under her ass. It was classic "The Donald," a bait and switch designed to absolve him of all wrongdoing due to his own lackluster response and paint the female Democrat as incompetent. It's doubtful anyone who wasn't already willing to believe him is fooled.

If You're Healthy and you know it, Risk Exposure: California Republican Senator Devin Nunes is currently facing a rather severe PR nightmare based on irresponsible comments he made regarding what people should be doing during the pandemic. Basically, he told people if they're healthy, they should frequent restaurants so as not to "hurt the working people" in 'Murica. That was, of course, prior to the mandatory shut-downs of all the eateries and just about every other damn thing. He later tried to, as they say these days, walk back his comments when talking to Sean Hannity, a.k.a. Trump's rectal thermometer. But even Trump was not saying this because for once, he gets it and this bug-eyed wackjob does not. It's pretty bad when CNN tries to save your hash and you still shoot yourself in the leg.

America's Wang Still Doin' it's Thang: It turns out Homer Simpson was right after all; Florida really is America's wang! For proof of that wang status, look no further than this link. Invincible idiots who don't seem to care about being carriers for the virus decided to party their asses off thanks to a bar that defied the statewide order to shut the hell down. Technically, they were supposed to reduce capacity to 50% up until 11:00 pm but the pics clearly show they didn't allow a bunch of silly medical precautions to diminish their drunken good time.

All Hail the Plastic Pastor!: Do you have a moment for me to tell you about the Good News? We no longer need to fear the ramifications of the idiots in Florida congregating in large numbers because Donald Trump's "spiritual advisor" has a fix-it. Asking her followers to send "seed money" to her for protection against plague and pestilence, Pastor Paula White is billing her ministry as a hospital to the sick. Apparently the hospitals to healthy people weren't included. Adherents to the Prosperity Gospel will likely find her entreaties appealing since they view faith as an investment that comes with a return. It's a religion that deserves to be renamed "Americanism" and she is currently one of its major figures. No wonder a shameless self-promoter like Trump likes her so much. Well, that and her blond hair, adoration of him and unmoving plastic face.

All the World's a (Viral) Stage: As mentioned above, conspiracy theories abound in the wake of the Covid-19 outbreak and people we know in real life are not immune (see what I did there?) to their odd allure. One in particular comes from "Author Unknown," and ain't that always the case? Unknown goes into great detail about how a very real viral outbreak is no big deal, how the media is causing mass panic and how this is all just a test run for socialism. He also draws ludicrous parrallels to cancer and car accidents to demonstrate how other things kill more people. This is in spite of a president who basically poops capitalism every time he walks taking it all very seriously and ordering the closing of establishments and all the rest of the normal responses to an untreatable virus. Someone I know posted this particular theory on their Facebook page. Objectively speaking, it is an effective piece of writing. It pushes all the right buttons, gets its point across and details exactly what it sets out to. It's also incredibly irresponsible because it can inspire others of a similar mentality to not take proper precautions. Pointing that out resulted in me being "melodramatic" because a post isn't going to kill anyone.

But Maybe a Post Can Save People: This one should speak for itself so I'll not editorialize.

More to Come~

Read Dispatch #3 Here!

Dispatches from the Corona Virus Days #3

Everything Must Go...at a 300% Mark-up: In my first Dispatch, I wrote about price gouging and whether or not it was going to become something to be prosecuted for. Well, now this has happened. Of course, this won't prevent the more subtle acts of gouging such as what's happening at Aldi where things are just slightly higher than normal, but it will hopefully stop the unscrupulous who view things such as this as an investment opportunity.

Who Was That Masked Man?: Have you noticed that while the CDC has told us wearing masks is unecessary, people in and from other countries are wearing them? In Asia, it's considered the right thing to do for anyone who might be sick to wear them. Unfortunately, since we're discouraged from doing it in the U.S., it makes us think the person is a walking petrie dish. I hear this has resulted in a few misunderstandings around the country and even I'll admit to a knee-jerk reaction when first seeing someone masked from the corner of my eye. That didn't stop me from wearing one yesterday when I went to the grocery store. Most people looked away quickly. A few smirked. Nobody recoiled in horror.

The 24-Hour News Cycle Plays in Hell: Ever since the early 1990s, news has become as prevalent in our lives as breathing. The so-called "Desert Storm" campaign was covered 24/7 by cable news and the broadcast news stations. Those days seem quaint now. People actually had to turn on their televisions to find out what was being reported. Handheld devices and social networking are connecting us in ways both wondrous and dangerous. Unsubstantiated rumors abound, changing from minute to minute, and there is no filter preventing them from reaching the masses. If ever there was an argument for professional journalism, this is it? Unfortunately, this current president and hundreds of other politicians have poisoned the ill-informed against all forms of media. How do we know? Because they don't even see the irony of using media to complain about it!

There's no Art of the Deal for Incompetence: In his press conference held yesterday, Donald Trump sounded more reasonable and sober than he has since this entire situation began, but what does that really mean? Less word salad? Less boasting about his "accomplishments?" More accepting of personal responsibility? Ultimately, it's up to the individual to decide, but his constant reference to the "tremendous job" officials are doing and how "a lot of progress has been made" are certainly questionable. Despite Trump's constant assertions that we as a nation were prepared for this, we moved too slowly considering what was happening in China and we are paying for the lackadaisacal response.

Briefings are for Underwear: Everyone except his staunchest apologists knows Donald Trump ain't got no time for no in-depth conversations. There are reports that this was also true of the briefings about the Coronavirus. This does track when one reflects on his ridiculous comment during yesterday's briefing where he stated, "a month ago, nobody thought about this." Naturally, it's preferrable to think he was using over-simplified language and wasn't being literal. I'm willing to accept that to an extent. However, that doesn't account for his early dismissals of the eventuality of Covid-19 reaching American shores.

Words of Wisdom from Randos:

• "This is what 'deconstructing government' looks like. This what shutting down our pandemic response agency looks like. This is what putting an amateur reality show host as leader of the free world looks like."
• "Our leader did not lead. He left us wide open for this. He called it a hoax. He called it fake news. He did not do his job!"

The City That Never Slept: I've been to Manhattan twice. It does sleep from about 4:00 am until 5:30 am. This link, however, tells a different story.

More to Come~




Previous Disptaches:
#1
#2

Dispatches from the Corona Virus Days #2

This Just In!: One of two things learned today while standing on line at Aldi came when a woman expressing shock and dismay at all the perceived last-minute stockpiling of food, etc. mentioned that she had just heard about this whole global pandemic thing yesterday. She was all decked out in a surgical mask and shower cap and was surprisingly young-looking.

Storage Options May Vary: Lesson number two came from the same woman and was learned by another woman in line to whom she was speaking. When the other woman said she always had lots of food stored away in her freezer and pantry, the woman who'd just heard about the quaranting a day ago said, "Yeah, but don't everybody got no pantry." Never assume was the lesson, but also that double negatives are sometimes the least of the grammatical offenses.

To the Bars, the Idiots: Just like the rest of the state's schools, Michigan State University was closed by official governor's order. However, that didn't prevent many among its student population from immediately running to the bars in town to congregate in close quarters and cough and sneeze all over each other in the name of "fun." This trend infected other portions of the state to the point where Governor Whitmer has now ordered all restaurants and bars to close and only provide "to go" food orders.

Long Lines Will Save us: According to this article in The Texas Tribune, long lines of people being delayed due to the virus are just a'sittin' around, cramped together, coughin' and sneezin' within inches of one another because the best way to halt the spread of a virus that is transmitted those ways is to better ensure that hundreds of people are unable to spread apart!

Church Bells Ring, Can't Help Listenin': Since yesterday, a nearby church has been ringing its bells every hour on the hour. It is both comforting and maddening. They just started back up while that previous sentence was being typed. End of Days much?

Welcome To 'Murica: In the other countries dealing with Covid-19, the citizens know they will not have to worry about getting paid while they are practicing social distancing. Italy has even suspended mortgages until the crisis is over. But here in the country that apparently hadn't been great for a long time until a red hat told us it could be great again, many of us don't know if we will continue to get paid. As usual, everyone discounts those of us who interface with the public for a living and assume working from home is an option for most of us. A bill was introduced to provide continuing pay but the Republcan senate shot it down because it didn't remove federal funding for abortions. Yep. Even now, they're playing politics with our lives. And while another bill has been sent over, it is a watered down version.

Morons with Fingers: No dispatch would be complete without at least one tale of a wretched twit making assinine comments online, so of course here are two such tales:

• One guy making Michigan proud he lives here cried "fake news" at the undeniable fact that Governor Whitmer has ordered the closures of restaurants.
• The other prize winner took humbrage at a post detailing Trump's many failures regarding dealing with the virus by trying to make it appear as if the "liberal presidents" in other countries did nothing to help their citizens. Forget that this shouldn't be about liberal vs. conservative as seen through narrow American prisms. Instead of accepting that his glorious leader made mistakes, this guy was more interested in "whataboutism" and interpreting facts as "taking shots." 

More to come~

(Read Dispatch#1 here)

Dispatches From the Corona virus Days #1

Arrival: It finally reached Michigan this week, the dreaded corona virus recently dubbed "Covid-19." Predictably because we're Americans, people have either reacted with extreme panic or as if it "t'aint no big deal." Meanwhile, the reported cases continue to mount and the eventual deaths loom buzzard-like just out of our collective periphery.

Wiping for the Apocalypse: Much like the rest of the Western world, hectic runs on toilet paper have resulted in empty shelves in grocery stories and big box retailers all over the state. There haven't been any reports of fights breaking out over it yet, but there are a few profiteers already selling it online for inflated prices. Whether or not this will become a prosecutable crime is impossible to know at this point. But apparently whenever the End Times come, people really think they're going to need to wipe themselves. It does cause one to wonder what these people were doing before...

Hollywood Lied to Us: Perhaps that's a bit harsh; maybe Hollywood is just ignorant of the everyday realities of everyday people. Whatever the case, all those epidemic and disaster movies that told us everybody would start stealing and physically assaulting each other might have been correct in the worst case scenario sense, but...

Storm the Libraries!: The truth is, when people freak out about an impending terrible situation, they run to their library. I work for two (three, if you want to be technical) so I know whereof I speak. Apparently people feel the need to stock up on things to read, watch and listen to when they're quarantined. But since most people incorrectly believe nobody goes to libraries anymore, movies don't reflect that particular reality. Ironically, library borrowing accounts for a lot of the movie watching.

Speaking of Movies: Walk into any grocery or retail store right now and it feels as if one is entering a slow-motion sequence filled with stunned people with hollowed eyes and screaming children wearing surgical masks being pushed in grocery carts. Empty shelves where toilet paper and water once filled them. Items that would normally still be on the shelves are gone. Thermometers. Over-the-counter allergy medications. Rubber gloves. Isopropryl alcohol. Yet somehow there's plenty of beer and wine to be found.

Misplaced Libertarian Activism: Every workplace has at least one person admonishing the rest of us for being scared, as if that isn't an appropriate reaction to sickness, resource scarcity, lack of appropriate medications, and death. Various straw-man commentaries using the flu's higher death rate are used, completely ignoring or ignorant of the fact that Covid-19 is the new kid on the block. There is no herd immunity, no vaccine as of yet and humanity has literally never encountered it before. The potential for disaster is greater because it moves faster than the flu and has less easily recognized symptoms.  None of this kept some idiot at the laundromat from intentionally coughing with his mouth uncovered until he was threatened with having the police called. It also didn't stop someone on Facebook from boasting that he went and saw a movie and didn't catch a virus. How he knows that considering its incubation period is anybody's guess.

Closures: Governor Gretchen Whitmer has ordered the closure of all Michigan schools by Monday, March 16th. Many libraries have already closed or are planning to do so on the day the schools do. AMC the movie company sent out an email saying they are only allowing 50% seating capacity in their theaters. One of my employers has closed. The other has not yet but will remain in operation but closed to the public.

Losing Friends: People on Facebook are reporting the loss of friends over disagreements about how the virus has been (mis)handled by the Trump administration. I am not immune, as a lost two Thursday, both sisters and both vehement Trump supporters. Despite this, I was always rather fond of them and felt we had a pretty good former co-worker connection. Clearly I was wrong as  were many others.

End of Dispatch. More to Come.

Hellooooo, Turkmenistan!

I've given up on understanding the how and the why of where people who view this blog live.
But this one was a bit of a shocker:

 
 
ttt





 Turkmenistan???







 

Quick (and mostly meaningless) Announcement!

In light of the issues surrounding my two act script about the impeachment trial titled "Blower of Whistle" not going into production despite the best efforts of the person who commissioned it, I have decided to self-publish it via the evil that is Amazon.

I'm still working on formatting and finding a cover I like but expect it in the next week or two. It will probably be priced at $1.99.

Review: Rian Johnson's "Knives Out"

If Rian Johnson's intention was to make a movie for the middle aged to elderly white female demographic, then boy howdy did he succeed. Sadly, I'm not in that prized demographic, so my response to the film was not the same as theirs. What I expected and what I got were definitely not the same thing.

Perhaps I can place the blame for my misperception on whoever put the trailer together. Or perhaps it was my own prejudice regarding mysteries, particularly of the Big Ol' House Full of Obnoxious Eccentrics variety. Clearly I'm not a fan of the genre so this is going to be a grain of salt review if ever there was one.

To be honest, I was expecting a satire. The tone of the trailer certainly gave me that impression, although I've asked around and not everyone felt that way. That leads me to conclude that my own dislike of the mystery genre makes it difficult for me to see these movies as anything except humorous. However, instead of a twenty-first century version of  "Clue" or the absolutely brilliant "Murder by Death," Johnson's film seems to take itself somewhat seriously. Fair enough. There are millions of people who actually live for movies set in spooky old houses where murder most foul has occurred and everybody is a suspect.

But even taking that into account, the mystery behind "Knives Out" is serviceable at best. As he showed us with the much maligned (unfairly, in my opinion) "Star Wars: The Last Jedi," Johnson lives to subvert expectations. He doesn't always succeed any more than M. Knight Shyamalan always pulls off a shocking surprise ending, but nobody can say he doesn't give it his all. Unfortunately, his all in this case results in a bit of a mess that doesn't really accomplish much.

*SPOILER ALERT*




For one thing, the murder that isn't really a murder but a cover-up that isn't really covered up reeks of screenwriter invention. There's nothing organic about it, thus is feels artificial, like a workshopped idea rather than anything even remotely approximating ingeniousness. Also, the characters are so broadly drawn that they should have been played for laughs, but the laughs come few and far between and don't last long. The movie never settles on a tone, but not in the Tarantino way where that works as an effective element to keep the audience off-balance.

The actors are very good. Much like the criminally overrated "Joker," they are the ones carrying a lackluster screenplay. But what "Knives Out" lacks is a charismatic lead. Daniel Craig gives it his best but his drawling private detective wears out his welcome after about an hour.  Ana de Armas is also very good but her impossibly virtuous nurse feels more like an over-compensation than an actual person. Even Chris Evans' supposedly attention-grabbing performance only garners attention because nobody else except Christopher Plummer is very interesting .

"Knives Out" is also way too long. With its superficial conceit and hamfisted atmospheric tone, it should have been over by 100 minutes, not 230. Hell, by the ninety minute mark my attention began wandering and, frankly, that's when the film went from mildly diverting to flirting with abject stupidity. That third act reveal should have never made it past the brainstorming stage. Mysteries in general tend to be hopelessly contrived but whenever they include someone sneaking in after the "murder" and coming up with some grand plan, it becomes beyond ridiculous. None of this would have been a problem is Johnson had made a comedy instead of whatever the hell this movie was.

I guess my disappointment is evident. I was so looking forward to this movie and truly regretted not seeing it in theaters. Thank God I never did, because this review would be far harsher if I'd paid to see it.

I guess what I'm trying nicely to say is this movie is so far up its own ass it could probably vomit itself back onto the screen for further self-indulgence.