10 Beloved Movies I Hated & 10 Hated Movies I Loved(and Why)

 I often find myself at the crossroads of the cultural zeitgeist. It's not a place I planned to wind up, nor one I thought I existed in until the Internet and its fanboy chatter made its presence known. Until then, I assumed that most genre fans generally agreed with me and, more to the point, I agreed with them.

For instance, I thought everybody enjoyed "Attack of the Clones" as much as I did and considered it an improvement over "The Phantom Menace," which I also enjoyed. It wasn't that there weren't popular things I disliked, but most of the ones I was aware of were genre films that crossed over into mainstream popularity. It's much easier to dismiss something as idiocy when the masses embrace it, despite the opposing view regarding large amounts of people liking things. 

So, the double lesson I have learned is as follows: I am not at home with my so-called fellow geeks because I don't agree with them on things they love or things they hate. Below are two lists based on my experiences with these groups:

Movies I Hate (and why)

The Matrix- I've only seen the first one, but I found the film pretentious, derivative, poorly acted, and over the top. When the only riveting scene involves a character wanting to go back to sleep, it probably means that's what I wanted to do also.

Deadpool- To be fair, I hate the character with a purple, unbridled passion. I consider him one of those Nineties creations that damn near ruined the comic book industry. And I hate the character so much that it has made me hate the actor portraying him. He isn't funny and he isn't cool or interesting. The character either.

Jurassic Park- My mother was obsessed with Michael Crichton's novel, so of course I had to take her to see it when her health started declining. The book she had talked up resulted in what for me was the first dull special effects blockbuster ever. Flat characters, by-the-numbers "suspense," and SFX that failed to impress. I never once cared what was happening.

The Dark Knight- A friend of mine was so convinced I would consider this the greatest comic book movie of all time, his normally cheap ass paid for my ticket. He was disappointed and angry when I told him how awful I thought the whole thing was. Bale's Batman was unconvincing, Ledger's Joker was too silly to be effective, the Two-Face subplot was lacking, and the supposed "real world" approach made the entire affair feel forced and interminable.

Joker- Much has been made of Joaquin Phoenix's portrayal of mental illness in this film, and on that level alone, it is something to see. Sadly, the movie itself does not justify his performance no matter how much money it made. Todd Phillips, director  of the increasingly unfunny "Hangover" films, decided to go all serious with this one. Unfortunately, he doesn't have an original idea in his head. "Joker" is four movies in one: Those movies are "Taxi Driver," "King of Comedy," "Falling Down" and "Fight Club," three of which were vastly superior.

The Hunger Games- Again, I only suffered through the first one, but that was one too many as far as I was concerned. I'm not fan of YA Lit as it is, so this one would have been a hard sell for me. Sadly, the one thing I demand from any type of drama was entirely absent from this film. I never cared about what was happening on screen. Also, the concept was well-intentioned but stretched the bounds of credibility even within its own internal logic.

It: Chapter One- Its sequel did not receive the acclaim its predecessor did, presumably because it was awful to the point of unintentional hilarity. Chapter One was awful as well, but in a not-at-all amusing way. Director Andres Muschietti turned an epic novel about childhood trauma and overcoming our fears as adults into a jump scare cliché fest replete with bad child actor performances and none of King's trademark dialogue. It's rare that I've actually been angry at the end of a movie. 

Get Out- This is the film that competed in my mind with "It" for worst movie of 2017.  It's a message movie, and that message is an important one. Sadly, the execution is absolute junk. Jordan Peele's comedy chops are well-established and I have tons of respect for him as an artist. This was not a film that worked for me. The acting was uneven, the pacing was agonizingly slow, the Big Reveal was laughable and not once did I care about anyone in the film. Worst thing that can said about a horror movie: It was boring.

Skyfall- When Pierce Brosnan was let go as James Bon 007, I was not exactly enthusiastic about the less suave and good-looking Daniel Craig taking over the role. I was also growing weary of "back to the beginning" reboots. Happily, "Casino Royale" put my fears to rest and gave us one of the best Bond films ever. But this isn't about that movie. This is about the uneven, poorly scripted disappointment that was "Skyfall," a movie that felt as if four separate teams of screenwriters all wrote portions of it without ever actually meeting. Why Roger Moore thought this was the best Bond ever made instead of "Casino Royale" is beyond me.

Godzilla 2014- I won't go into how much the character of Godzilla has meant to me since I sat in a theater at the age of five or six and watched a double feature. And while I've always questioned the Western ability to really understand kaiju eiga without defaulting to disaster movie mode, which is exactly what happened with the 1998 film, I held out hope for a superior American version. When I saw previews for the 2014 reboot, it felt as if it was over-compensating for the 1998 film's tone by taking itself too seriously and becoming a somber, listless affair. I turned out to be right. It's one of the few movies I nearly walked out on. Happily, the Monsterverse sequels have redeemed this film and made it slightly more watchable.

Movies I Love(and Why)

Thor: The Dark World- That's right, I included this one. I loved this film and its detractors don't make sense to me. There's nothing about this MCU installment that renders it inferior to the others. Is it the best film in the franchise? Of course not. But it continues Thor's and Jane's stories very well, it shows a different side of Loki, and the visuals are nothing less than stunning.

Ishtar- Much maligned at the time of its release, most of the harsh criticism seemed to focus on the then ungodly budget of $50 million. But shooting on location with two huge stars is costly. The result, however, is pure entertainment. Playing against type, Hoffman and Beatty have an incredible chemistry and the terrible songs they created for the movie are brilliant in their catchy awfulness. 

Ghost Rider- The sequel was a mess, but the first Ghost Rider is a lot of fun. Nic Cage is at his scenery chewing best, the effects mostly impress, and the bad guy works. Also, Peter Fonda plays the Devil and Sam Elliot is the Old West Ghost Rider! What more do you people want, a plot???

Star Trek Into Darkness- I'm not a Trekkie, or "Trekker" as some prefer to be called. My mother was one of the originals, however, and I have a healthy respect for the franchise. JJ Abrams' films injected a much needed electric eel enema into a stagnating franchise. Sure, this one suffers from sequel bloat and too much action, but the sets, performances and stakes are outstanding.

Jupiter Ascending- I've never been a big fan of the Wachoskis. I enjoyed some of their films and hated others. This one intrigued me because it was a throwback to the days of pulp space opera but with unique twists that felt original. It was a breath of fresh air that is only made more special by the lack of a sequel.

Cloud Atlas- Despite what I wrote about the Wachoskis in the previous section, they nailed this adaptation of what I consider one of the greatest novels of modern times. If I may channel my inner hipster for a moment, most people who disliked this movie didn't understand it. And that's okay. It's not an easily digested piece of fluff entertainment, nor is it a dime store philosophy diatribe like their more successful "The Matrix." 

Hudson Hawk- When Bruce Willis was at his hottest and it was still inconceivable that he would become a for-the-paycheck punchline, this vanity project was released to near universal disdain. Willis is clearly more in love with himself than the film at this stage in his career, and that just makes it more enjoyable. He mugs, he is still capable of being funny, and the "plot" is so far off the rails one can't help but watch to see what happens next. 

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane- I know, I know. I don't distance myself from my Andrew Dice Clay fandom back in the day. But even if I hadn't been one, the movie about "Mr. Rock 'n Roll Detective" is a fun romp through the music industry and one of the most quotable comedies of all time. Dice could actually act, as he'd already proved on the NBC series, "Crime Story," making this film that rare combination of a comedian's on-stage persona and genuine moments of gravitas.

The Village- This movie had the unique distinction of being released when it became a recreational activity to attack M. Knight Shyamalan. To be fair, he wasn't helping matters by hinging every film on a Big Reveal. He got away with it several times, so it was inevitable that he would eventually be called out on his gimmick. This was not the movie to do it, though. That movie was "The Happening." This one actually works because it immerses the audience into a world it thinks it understands only to pull the proverbial rug out from under us. 

Daredevil- While the Netflix series is vastly superior in every measurable way, that doesn't mean the movie is terrible. In fact, it's pretty damn good, especially the director's cut that restores an entire excised subplot. Ben Affleck is a comics fan and he gets this character. Read his foreword to Kevin Smith's Daredevil graphic novel if you doubt me. My only real issue was the casting of Elektra, which should have gone to someone different.

Movies I couldn't include in the "Hate" category because I've discovered many people who don't like them, too:

Avatar
The Amazing Spider-Man
Van Helsing
Titanic
Forrest Gump
The Suicide Squad

On Being Told What to Write

 

So, here we are again entering the horrifying world of Prior Review and Content Control. I swear this topic comes up every so often as a matter of course these days, and nowhere is it more prevalent outside of politics than in the world of genre fandom. This particular incident was pretty extreme, reminding me of a certain Batman movie's devoted, fanatical base about twelve years ago whose ire and outrage resulted in several attacks when I posted a link to my review on the now defunct Yahoo! Message Boards.

This time was different, however. Not only did it take place on Facebook, but it also resulted in a volley of personal and professional attacks. The fanboy Battalion has mutated since those days of simply telling a person they were wrong and sending threatening emails to professional film critics for not liking a movie they adored. 

I wouldn't have even known about this if not for the fact that a Facebook friend had posted her views on James Gunn's "The Suicide Squad" by referring to it as basically a stupid failure. I concurred, posting my blog post/review to show her just how much. You can read that here. I saw a dissenting comment from a guy whose name shall remain undisclosed (I'll refer to him as "Soy" based on a comment another friend made) which I read and immediately forgot all about. However, at some point between me not being online for a while and finally going back on, my Facebook friend had unfriended and blocked this individual for comments she found obnoxious.

Like any juicy scandal-loving 'Murican, I decided to look him up. To my delight, I found that he had reposted the above review and written a disdainful commentary about it. This was so his like-minded, sycophantic followers could start making insulting comments about the review itself, the writing of it, and the various word choices they deemed pretentious. The post was public, so it was easy for me to jump in, first by thanking Soy for the repost and then responding to some of the comments about the review. I found it interesting how Soy kept trying to make it seem as if me seeing negative comments about something I wrote was some sort of turnabout is fair play situation instead of an expected part of being a writer...Almost as if he was some uber-nerd twit who didn't know what the hell he was talking about.

This suspicion was compounded by the fact that he seemed hellbent on telling me what I should have written, and how I should have written it. The review, in his opinion, lacked "nuance," a word he seemed to have just learned sometime this week and couldn't  wait to use over and over until he sounded like a special needs parrot. I began to wonder: What exactly had him so upset and offended? My dislike of the material, the way I presented it, or the fact that I didn't gently take him by the hand and explain every sentence and word choice so he didn't soil his diaper? I suspect it was all three.

In the midst of Soy's kiss-ass geek patrol calling my writing terrible and saying how much it sucked, he kept telling me how I should have written my review. Oh, and he used the word "nuance."

A lot.

I've dealt with guys like this before. They represent both cheeks on the political butt. Extreme righties tend to indulge the behavior more often, but extreme lefties do it, too. The tactic is to lure the person onto their page, insult them and then let their friends attack them from all angles while appearing to be the reasonable one "just trying to make a point." It is a tactic employed by both bully and bullied alike. It hasn't ever worked on me when dealing with people who were much better at it, and it sure as shit didn't work on me this time.

The intellectual lightweights on Soy's page were barely a distraction, but they definitely brought the entertainment value. Yet despite the constant back-and-forth with such gems as "I want to kill your high school English teacher 'cause you suck" and other award-winning zingers of the highest level, Soy was still telling me what and how to write.

Deciding I'd had enough fun with the dingleberries, I focused instead on the post's originator and his repeated insistence that my post lacked...sigh...NUANCE. 

At this point, I'd already had a relatively decent back-and-forth with the one person not necessarily following Soy's orders who had expressed an interest in knowing what my opinion of the movie might be now that the initial hostility had faded. And to be fair, I did give Soy one point: The review was not a *GROAN* nuanced take on the film. It wasn't intended to be; it was written as an extension of my Facebook live posting. Soy even admitted my views on the handling of Viola Davis' character were pretty accurate.

The conversation could have, and probably should have, ended there. We had found a point on which we agreed and did not agree on the rest because Soy had issues with the way it was presented. Fair enough. I've stopped reading many a novel for similar reasons. The difference is, I didn't contact the author and tell them how they should have written the novel. I moved on. It's what grownups do. Soy, on the other hand, chose this as a hill to die on, a cause he could not relinquish. He was, in essence, the fanboy cliché nobody can stand; a know-it-all expert on all things with no foundation in any of them who thinks he has the right to police content. 

I owe no one who isn't paying me for my work anything. The mere fact that he was ignorant of the difference between a journal-like blog post and a professional film review shows that he proceeded from a false assumption. I certainly don't feel obligated to some random shit-starter on social networking to accommodate him with my writing, nor am I fazed by a bunch of followers of this person to feel that I need to alter my writing style. Awards, positive reviews and over thirty published stories speak for themselves. Besides, anyone who gets that angry over someone's opinions about a silly movie has more emotional issues than I am qualified to deal with.

I will thank Soy and his too-cool friends for the blog post material. It's difficult to not write about someone who accuses me of getting upset about a post when the post I am responding to is literally the result of the person getting upset about a post, throwing a tantrum, and trying to gain validation. Pointing out a person's lack of self-awareness doesn't usually go well, and I wound up blocked for my efforts. 

However, in the interest of helping people get past their soft, squishy ego problems, may I submit for their use...

Oh, I almost forgot:

NUANCE
NUANCE
NUANCE
NUANCE
NUANCE
NUANCE
NUANCE
NUANCE
NUANCE
NUANCE
NUANCE
NUANCE
NUANCE
NUANCE
NUANCE
NUANCE
NUANCE
NUANCE
NUANCE
NUANCE
NUANCE
NUANCE
NUANCE
NUANCE

BAD REVIEW

 

Nothing peps me up more than discovering a negative review of my work. It's even better when it somehow slipped under my RADAR for five years, as was the case with a review on Amazon from a guy in India whose screen name is "Perceptive Reader." Clearly a humble, self-aware individual, Mr. Reader found the majority of the stories in the third book of the "Use Enough Gun" anthology beneath his contempt, at least judging by the way he dismissed them with such in-depth analysis as "Crap," "Meh" and the ever-reliable, "Rubbish."

If you've ever met one of those people who disdain every movie they see by claiming there wasn't enough character development, you've probably also suspected that they didn't really know what that phrase meant. Similarly, whenever someone uses buzzwords such as, "Overwritten," or "longish," one wonders if the reviewer is more in love with their ability to sound knowledgeable and too hip for the room. It's difficult to say. We weren't all taught to give reasons for our opinions, nor were we all taught to eschew buzzwords when we do. So, perhaps there's little point in trying to understand the mindset of a man whose reaction to 80% of an anthology was so hostile.

I defy anyone to read the opening paragraph of Perceptive's review and not either chuckle or shake their head. Not to review the review, but come on! Phrases such as, " ...nod sagely while procrastinating about increasing paranoia among the hoi-polloi, in these days of connectivity and terrorism" are clearly meant to be taken seriously but is that even possible? It isn't for me but your mileage may vary.

My short story "Arrival" happens to be one of my favorite stories I've ever written. It is the sequel to "Emergence," which appeared in "Monster Hunter Legends Both Barrels" also published by Emby Press. That doesn't mean I expect everyone else to love it. It's a rather specific type of story, one that combines elements of classic comic books, horror and religious fanaticism. There's no reason to assume Mr. P. Reader would find that even remotely fascinating. I would love to know why he considered it crap, however, as I'll bet many of the other authors whose works were dismissed in like fashion would also.

Alas, there are no answers to be found in this case. P.R. either didn't feel the need to elaborate or that his simplistic reactions spoke volumes. I will close by adding this one nugget of hoped-for wisdom:

Reviews such as these help no one. They serve no one. They say nothing except "Lookit me being all edgy and stuff." No writer learns from the experience in a way that either helps them grow and improve and, in fact, some probably shrink away from the writing for publication world, discouraged and convinced that their Imposter Syndrome was the real thing. And while I know this is a tough field and that people who can't take harsh criticism need not apply, I also feel strongly that irresponsible reviews such as the one in this post are detrimental and destructive to the overall discourse.

So in spite of myself, I will review P. Reader's review with my own one-word choice: Idiotic.

My "Amazing Story"

 

The zippered Flesh anthology may be six years old, but I'm still running across reviews of its disturbing stories. This one, for example.

The Sermon on the...Me?

Previously, I posted about the Baptist pastor who enjoyed my short story "Ultimate Messiah Smackdown" enough to review it positively and mention using it as the basis for one of her sermons.
By the end of that post, I wrote about how I thought I might send her an email telling her how honored and thrilled I was. Well, I did. And with her kind permission, I am sharing our correspondence below:

Rev. Mindi Welton-Mitchell,

We have never met or corresponded but I ran across a review you wrote of a short story of mine in an anthology titled, "Alternative Theologies" and was moved by your reaction to it. I posted a more in-depth reaction on my blog which you may choose to read below:

HOLY Umm...Something! There is perhaps no greater validation of one's creative efforts than when someone who should find the work offe...

I was especially moved by your intention to use it as a tool for a sermon you were planning. Naturally I'm curious as to whether or not that ever happened but whether it did or not, the fact that the story resonated with what can only be considered an "expert in the field" on that level fills me with glee. And I'm not a gleeful sort, by any stretch of the imagination. I hope you don't mind that I Googled your name when I saw that you were a pastor. 

Thank you for the kind words and if there is any input I can provide on the story, please feel free to ask.

Sincerely,

Christopher Nadeau

Hi Christopher! Great to hear from you!

I did indeed use this story as an illustration in a sermon just over a year ago. I'll see if I can find a copy later. I preached about the illusions of the prosperity gospel and used your descriptions of Jesus and which Jesus do we choose to follow. Thanks for sharing your blog post, and I'm glad that both your story resonated with me and that my review was helpful!

I sold my first short story ever this year to the Space Force anthology, whenever Bob finishes it up, titled Space Force Chaplain. I'm excited to get it out into the world. 

Thanks again!

Blessings, Mindi

Excellent. Any blow I can help strike against the Prosperity Gospel is a worthy one! I look forward to reading the sermon whenever you locate it.

Congratulations on your short story sale.I admit I'm a little envious. "Space Force Chaplain" just based on its title is better than anything I've written this year!

P.S.

Do you mind if I share your reply to my email on my blog?

Go ahead and share my reply. :)

Blessings, Mindi

I will be sure to share the sermon as well if and when she ever sends it to me~

Another Positive Review

I ran across this review of the anthology "Classics Remixed Vol II" that refers to it as, "A very magnificent collection from a group of talented writers."

GREATEST. NON-PROFESSIONAL MOVIE REVIEW. EVER.

"Absolutely awful, Steven Seagal needs to stop making movies so idiots like me cant watch them."

Two Reviews/One Announcement.

I'll get to my "big announcement" in a moment but let's start with the reviews I ran across. The first is of the 2011 anthology "Legends, Denim & Silver" which featured my stark monster hunter story "Finally, the Source." This is still my favorite review of anything I've had published mainly because the reviewer really gets me, man! The response was exactly what I was going for, which is a rare thing indeed:

 

Finally, The Source barely edges out the tales as my favorite in The Monster Hunters section, if only for its fantastic 'oh shit, did you just go there?!' ending. Wilson, a monster hunter, is recruited by the Nightmare Guild — his arch enemies if there ever were any — to take out the cause of all strife; for both monster and humans alike. After his eyes are opened to the trouble this new target has caused, he reluctantly takes on the task. While I suspected the ending before it came, I have to admit that it was still surprising that author Christopher Nadeau carried through with it. Sure it can be argued that his ending is open ended, but not so much that, yeah, that just happened.

Read the entire anthology review here.

The other review doesn't mention me or my story but it is by the prestigious Publisher's weekly of the anthology pictured below:

  

 

 

You can read that review here.

 

You may be wondering why I ran across these reviews, or maybe you're thinking, "This MF's ego is off the charts! He's just randomly Googling reviews of his older work and then posting about it. How sad. What a tiny, pathetic man." Any other time you'd be right but this time I am doing it for a good reason. This is where the announcement portion of our program comes into play.

 

*Cue the trumpets*

 

I have finally decided to compile a short story collection comprised of previously published works, work that was published but is no longer available, and previously unpublished work.  I even know which publisher I would like to send it to. So, shot in the dark, I know, but if there are any stories of mine you've read and feel deserve inclusion, feel free to let me know. I've already created a list but it's not written in stone.

 

Religious Fanatic Takes "Steal this Book!" to Heart but it's the Wrong Book.

Apparently an anthology I am in offended the delicate sensibilities of at least one self-appointed soldier for the Lord. At least, that's how the anthology's publisher is interpreting it.

It makes sense, based on how the petty crime took place. You can get the whole story here but here's a pull quote in case your clickin' finger is sore:

"...other books were left alone, as was a tablet and some cash..."

B Cubed Press Bob Brown's response to the thief is pretty entertaining because, ultimately, the fact that fiction can still cause this reaction in people means it still has the power to transform and to make people think. That is worth more to me than any financial reward my story gained.

The funny thing is, the only reason I even know about this is because I happened to be on my Amazon Author page where a newer reader review of the anthology mentioned the theft.  You can read that review here and even though the reader doesn't mention my story (how dare they?) it's a glowingly positive one that might not have happened if some jackass hadn't tried to censor what you're able to read.

Small Presses (A Brief Thought-Stream)

I subscribe to a certain weekly email newsletter that graciously provides lists of upcoming anthologies that are open to submissions. Most of my recent published work has been due to this list, so my gratitude is boundless. Therefore, please note this is not in any way a criticism of the compiler(s) of the weekly list. Instead, it's an observation about the level of expectation smaller publishers often have when it comes to their anthologies.

Anyone who has submitted fiction knows the pay-scale isn't exactly encouraging. There's a double-edged sword these days. There are more markets looking for work than ever before (I refuse to refer to my work or the work of others as "content") and the Internet has made it the easiest it's ever been to submit to them. So on the up side, it rarely costs anything to send out one's stories. No more self-addressed stamped envelopes, for the most part. On the down side, however, the innumerable smaller publishers can't afford to pay very much.

That's perfectly understandable. And while the amount of money involved should not dictate the quality of what they're seeking (I know this flies in the face of supposed conventional capitalistic wisdom) it should dictate what they require in addition to receiving said work.

What I'm getting at, quite simply, is if you can only pay someone twenty dollars for their hard work, don't also expect them to do additional work before you will even deign to consider reading it.
That is not a privilege you should possess until you can at least pay semi-pro rates.

I don't write this as someone who hasn't been on the other side of the submission wall. I have edited and published a magazine as well as two anthologies and never once did I require anything further than the story itself and any agreed upon edits/rewrites. I certainly wasn't full of myself enough to require a written proposal before I would even read their work. Why not charge a submission fee while you're at it?

Better yet, here's a urine sample and a list of the last five people I slept with.

I'm all for lofty goal-setting and aspirations of literary godhood, but come on. Twenty bucks barely fills most gas tanks these days. The "exposure" claim has been debunked far too many times for me to lend it any credence. Publishers are not supposed to remind us of employers that act like their workers should be grateful for minimum wage despite it being a law they have no choice but to observe.

You're supposed to be better than those low-lives. You're supposed to understand what writers go through both professionally and personally. Since your reach exceeds your grasp, try wrapping your hands around a big pile of perspective and get over yourselves~

Become a Patron. Become MY Patron.

Hot off the heels of my post about how I avoid shameless self-promotion comes this post where I indulge in...shameless...self...

Ummm, promotion.

Well, I was overdue for a dash of hypocrisy, right? I'm always so damn lofty and full of scruples.
I wrote that last line with a straight face.

I also set up this Patreon page with a straight face because who doesn't like getting paid for what they write? For as little as one dollar per month, you get me doing my thing at least twice a month! Imagine it, Me times two!

Up first is my never-before-published "Twilight" parody called "Dusk." But don't worry, regular blog readers. I'm not abandoning this page, nor am I going to make you pay for the type of material you have been getting on here in the past. The Patreon account will have its own character and feel. You will, however, have to deal with me plugging that page when something new is published there.

But that shouldn't bother you because you've been loyally purchasing everything I've had published anyway, right?

Some Reader Reviews:

Zippered Flesh: Tales of Body Enhancements Gone Bad!

You With Me by Christophe Nadeau: you can feel the horror coming on this one, like little flickers of light at the corners of your vision…. You don’t quite want to look the whole way! Nothing prepares you for the ending, but it is a good one! Nothing says I love you quite like this!

A Feast of Frights from the Horror Zine.

There are many in this book that are new writers to watch for success. Eric J. Guignard is really amazing and also Christian A. Larsen and Christopher Nadeau and Taylor Grant.

“Always Say Treat” by Chris Nadeau was a nod to one of my favorite Steven N. Marshall stories. 


Miseria's Chorale.

Highlights in this were The Cherry Tree by James S. Dorr, Becoming the Beast by Christian A. Larsen,
Give Me Convenience by Shaun Meeks, Evacuation by Jay Wilburn, From Suicide Station by Adam Millard, The Face of Death by Paul Kane, The Gatehouse by Anna Taborska, In Green Remembered by Christopher Nadeau 

It's Nice to be a Favorite

This reader chose my story in "The Best of the Horror Zine: The Early Years." as one of his four favorites.

THE SECRET FORMULA DISCOVERED!!!

Now, after years of writing and posting on this blog, I have finally stumbled upon the secret formula to receiving tons of views and, presumably, people reading my posts. The key doesn't lie in the quality of the writing or the point of view of the author. Nope! While those things have garnered me views in respectable number, the real way to get peoples' attention is to be a prick.

Yep, despite all my efforts to the contrary, herculean though they have been, when I let my inner A-hole out for a walk in the courtyard, people flock to this blog.

I get it. My response to an unnamed critic of my work whose point of view I found moronic and poorly rendered has now become my most viewed post. But what does this mean for yours truly?
Am I going to stop posting other things? Since my posts about my latest published work garner a tenth of the views of  the one about the reviewer, does that mean I will stop sharing that type of news? Well, no because that's this blog's primary function.

So maybe it means I'm going to tailor those posts to the people who seemed to gravitate towards the popular post. Again, nope.

Maybe it means I get it and I won't shy away from posting similar things in the future.

Yeah, let's go with that!

Question About the Previous Post

I realize I'm probably urinating into a monsoon, but I'm curious about why the reaction to my previous post responding to a reviewer has become so highly viewed. Without divulging specific statistics, I can tell you it's one of my most viewed posts ever. That's not me using Newspeak and being melodramatic. I'm being literal. This post, something I considered a mere throwaway to keep the blog active, has clearly struck a chord or, at the very least, wound up appearing in many, many online searchers.

But why? How? Which? Where?

Who?

If anyone reading this is willing to provide their insight, even if it's negative, I'd love to hear from you.

Open Letter to a Certain Reviewer (The post where I get a lil' petty but not very)

Foreword: It still makes me giggle uncontrollably when I say I Googled myself. The images it conjures up instill in me a certain middle school level glee and I do not apologize for that. What I will apologize in advance for, however, is the minor descent into writer pettiness you will bear witness to if you keep reading this post. Who am I kidding? Most of you wouldn't miss that for anything!

Well, today you can consider me the Aaron Spelling of bloggers; far be it for me to not give the audience what it thinks it wants.

Dear Reviewer,

Sometimes I Google myself. I'm not proud of it but I'm a lonely, lonely man and when I'm alone in the dark, certain alluring thoughts enter my mind and I --- Never mind that. This letter is to follow up on your review of one of my short stories from 2011. That's right! Two-thousand ELEVEN. 

Before you start thinking you've been in my head like Thanos has been with Tony Stark, (That's a Marvel Cinematic Universe reference, which I'm sure you consider yourself above) I had forgotten about the review until today, when I decided to go against the laws of my religion and Google myself to a satisfactory conclusion. 

I do that on occasion so I can see if there's any new me-related information online that I can share with the readers of this blog. I actually ran across two reviews of my work by you, both from different editions of a particular publisher's annual anthology, and neither was favorable. And that's okay. One cannot go into this field and expect nothing by praise and positive responses. There will be be those who dislike what you offer no matter what it is. I certainly have authors I feel that way about and I would have to be a fool to think I wouldn't have the same effect on others.

So, please do not take the following sentences as an indictment of your absolute right to hate what I wrote, Reviewer. In fact, much like working in a laughingly named "Right-to-Work State," as a reader, you have no obligation to explain why you dislike anything you read. As a reviewer, however, a certain amount of comprehension is expected and, dare I write it, encouraged? Judging by your dismissive review and its incorrect conclusion about my story, I am confident you do not grasp stories that don't spell out their concepts and plots in easily digested bursts of exposition. 

As they say these days, "Do you, man." That means be who you are without feeling pressured to be someone else. Sorry if it wasn't clear the first time.

I suppose if pinned down, I would be forced to say my main issue with your review was its tone. As pointed out earlier, arrogant dismissiveness should come with a working understanding of the thing being dismissed. Your review did not because you obliviously admitted to missing the whole point of the plot. Where I come from --this place called Earth-- that negates your entire point of view. If you aren't even able to tell whether or not the fate of a character is Option A or B when it should be clear by the end, I can forward some sit-com pilot scripts that might be more in line with your comprehension level.

If you think I'm being petty or an asshole or both, you're right. Your review inspired me to act in kind, except in my case I actually comprehend what I'm discussing. I Googled you, too. I found a much older man than I'd expected, which was a tad disappointing. I saw your one professional sale, which was surprising, but I commend you for reaching that level. It doesn't appear as though you ever did again, and that's okay. At least you can say you did it. But I don't think you feel that way about it. I think you're angry at every story you read that doesn't meet your narrow-minded standards precisely because you didn't continue to reach that level. I can only hope you were being intentionally obtuse when it came to my story (and a few others in the anthologies) but something tells me your confessed inability to understand things that aren't made clear is also the reason those professional sales didn't keep happening.

I'm going to bring this letter to a close now. I've already devoted more time and space to your review than you did to my story. Let me close by saying I have also worked as a reviewer. Perhaps because one of my three great writing mentors taught me to focus on the written work rather than the author's intent, I at least make an attempt to be fair-minded. I don't have much patience for bad writing but I also know that's a subjective term. I hope I never become like you and forget that. 

Not-So-Warmest Regards,

Christopher Nadeau
Author

Not Sure What This Says About Me...

As I've written recently, my run of luck in regards to getting published this still new year has not been encouraging. It didn't help that I went on my Amazon Author Central page yesterday and noticed a review of one of my short stories from about four years ago. It was a reader review. He clearly put a lot of thought into it and somehow found a single word that perfectly encapsulated his feelings:

CRAP.

I'm not the only one whose story he labeled with this cutting dismissal either. At least 80% of the anthology received what I call the other "C-word" in response to its offerings. I was a bit taken aback, having never seen a review with such negative finality before. Then I got a look at his picture and started laughing because, frankly, he looked like the comic relief in a certain type of film from a certain country that isn't known for its high-end cinema.

Still, my amusement aside, his hilarious appearance doesn't negate his right to have an opinion that doesn't make me feel good about my writing. I certainly would never want to curtail a person's ability to express himself as he sees fit as long as it's not abusive. Besides, the review was from three years ago and, as we say in the field, at least he took the time to write a review. Frankly, the positive reviews still outweigh the negative ones.

When I place my so-called run of bad luck into perspective, most of the stories that have been rejected were actually submitted in the final two months of 2018, basically right on top of one another. Of course they would start coming in the same way they went out! Besides, I have a short story and a piece in a non-fiction book both coming out in the next few weeks. So, how exactly is this a bad start to the New Year?

So, for now, I will cease and desist my whining. Oh, and no, I am not going to share a link to the "crap" review. Do your own research~

Brief Hiatus.

Come down off the ceiling, dear readers. The above post title is not in reference to this blog. It's in reference to the new one which can be viewed by clicking here.

Due to personal issues that would cause a lesser man to curl up in a ball in the corner of his bedroom and weep while singing a sad Irish ballad, my co-blogger is unable to fulfill his duties as snarky pop culture commentator...for the moment.

Rest assured all the crap with which he is dealing will be resolved soon and the page will be up and running.

Until then, here's a picture of a guy who loves himself a little too much for your entertainment pleasure:

The Something I Warned You About

 A few days ago, I mentioned something new coming in 2019. Well, click here to see it in all its anticlimactic glory!

Who knows if it will last? Who know if anyone will care? Who knows if we have the attention spans to sustain it? Only time will tell.


(And yes, Tim, guest reviews will be included at some point)

Something New is Coming in 2019

Without revealing too much, a new type of blog featuring me and one other person is on its way. I won't reveal its nature just yet but once it's up and running, nobody who knows either one of us should be surprised. It's something we've been talking about for years and we finally decided to make a go of it.

I have done a similar blog before but this one has a different approach.

Check back in a few days for more info and, most likely, a link!

<---- These people are waiting with bated breath!