Open Letter to a Certain Reviewer (The post where I get a lil' petty but not very)

Foreword: It still makes me giggle uncontrollably when I say I Googled myself. The images it conjures up instill in me a certain middle school level glee and I do not apologize for that. What I will apologize in advance for, however, is the minor descent into writer pettiness you will bear witness to if you keep reading this post. Who am I kidding? Most of you wouldn't miss that for anything!

Well, today you can consider me the Aaron Spelling of bloggers; far be it for me to not give the audience what it thinks it wants.

Dear Reviewer,

Sometimes I Google myself. I'm not proud of it but I'm a lonely, lonely man and when I'm alone in the dark, certain alluring thoughts enter my mind and I --- Never mind that. This letter is to follow up on your review of one of my short stories from 2011. That's right! Two-thousand ELEVEN. 

Before you start thinking you've been in my head like Thanos has been with Tony Stark, (That's a Marvel Cinematic Universe reference, which I'm sure you consider yourself above) I had forgotten about the review until today, when I decided to go against the laws of my religion and Google myself to a satisfactory conclusion. 

I do that on occasion so I can see if there's any new me-related information online that I can share with the readers of this blog. I actually ran across two reviews of my work by you, both from different editions of a particular publisher's annual anthology, and neither was favorable. And that's okay. One cannot go into this field and expect nothing by praise and positive responses. There will be be those who dislike what you offer no matter what it is. I certainly have authors I feel that way about and I would have to be a fool to think I wouldn't have the same effect on others.

So, please do not take the following sentences as an indictment of your absolute right to hate what I wrote, Reviewer. In fact, much like working in a laughingly named "Right-to-Work State," as a reader, you have no obligation to explain why you dislike anything you read. As a reviewer, however, a certain amount of comprehension is expected and, dare I write it, encouraged? Judging by your dismissive review and its incorrect conclusion about my story, I am confident you do not grasp stories that don't spell out their concepts and plots in easily digested bursts of exposition. 

As they say these days, "Do you, man." That means be who you are without feeling pressured to be someone else. Sorry if it wasn't clear the first time.

I suppose if pinned down, I would be forced to say my main issue with your review was its tone. As pointed out earlier, arrogant dismissiveness should come with a working understanding of the thing being dismissed. Your review did not because you obliviously admitted to missing the whole point of the plot. Where I come from --this place called Earth-- that negates your entire point of view. If you aren't even able to tell whether or not the fate of a character is Option A or B when it should be clear by the end, I can forward some sit-com pilot scripts that might be more in line with your comprehension level.

If you think I'm being petty or an asshole or both, you're right. Your review inspired me to act in kind, except in my case I actually comprehend what I'm discussing. I Googled you, too. I found a much older man than I'd expected, which was a tad disappointing. I saw your one professional sale, which was surprising, but I commend you for reaching that level. It doesn't appear as though you ever did again, and that's okay. At least you can say you did it. But I don't think you feel that way about it. I think you're angry at every story you read that doesn't meet your narrow-minded standards precisely because you didn't continue to reach that level. I can only hope you were being intentionally obtuse when it came to my story (and a few others in the anthologies) but something tells me your confessed inability to understand things that aren't made clear is also the reason those professional sales didn't keep happening.

I'm going to bring this letter to a close now. I've already devoted more time and space to your review than you did to my story. Let me close by saying I have also worked as a reviewer. Perhaps because one of my three great writing mentors taught me to focus on the written work rather than the author's intent, I at least make an attempt to be fair-minded. I don't have much patience for bad writing but I also know that's a subjective term. I hope I never become like you and forget that. 

Not-So-Warmest Regards,

Christopher Nadeau
Author