New Scientist Magazine is currently running a contest seeking submissions from people interested in re-writing moon landing history. The only requirement is that the author of the quote or quotes come up with something memorable for Neil Armstrong's famous speech from the lunar surface in place of his "One small step for man" quote.
I heard about this contest from a Facebook friend who posted his own submission there. I thought I'd do the same here, since I literally just sent mine off.
Neil Armstrong quotes (What he might have said):
“That’s one small step for man, one giant…Oh, Zsa Zsa says “’hi.’”
“Hello from the moon…that boom mike was there when we landed!”
“All those billions to find out this place isn’t made of edible cheese!”
“Hey, Joe! Up here even a lard-ass like you would be weightless!”
“I don’t want to alarm anyone but there are Republicans here.”
“Okay, let’s start unloading the nukes and aiming them for the Soviet…Is this thing on???”
“I never wanted to be an astronaut, I was more interested in floral design but my father was so very, very cruel…anyway, there it is, a big lifeless rock. Check, please!”
“I came up with a song about the Dark Side of the moon I’m gonna write when I get back to Earth. Nobody better steal my idea!”
“Looks like we finally found that storage area for hippy agitators!”
If you're interested, you can send your own submissions to:
feedback@newscientist.com
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
AUTHOR SPOTLIGHT: DON DELILLO
The writing of Don DeLillo amazes me. I don’t say or write that often but it does.
A darling of the literary world, he may not be as well known as he should be among mainstream fiction readers. His books sell well but they aren’t sensationalistic or daring in a carnival-like attention grabbing sense.
Instead, he tends to write from the internal world, where many readers have no interest in journeying. Much like a poet, DeLillo delves deeply into the hidden revelations that are always present around us but rarely seen. His novels tend to present the world as a realm of alienation and desperation, where human experience is increasingly becoming less meaningful as technology and distance separate us from the core of our reality.
The easy way to dismiss the fact that he isn’t a household name is to say his writing isn’t for everybody. That statement does a disservice to not only the writer but also potential readers. While it may be true that the average person reads for sheer escapism, I tend to think that’s because they haven’t been taught to do anything else. Americans live in a pop culture defined by popularity and readily accessible, disposable media experiences. Pausing to think is often frowned upon, as it tends to interfere with the bottom line.
What corporations want people to start questioning the isolated aspects of suburban life and consumerism? The only time they might is when they’re marketing corporate-sponsored “rebellion” to teenagers in the forms of popular music and fashion. But adults are supposed to be discouraged from questioning their environments. Adults are supposed to muddle through life without wondering why and take the occasional break for pure escapist fun.
Nothing wrong with escapism. Human beings need to escape from time to time. What is wrong, however, is the marginalization of freedom of expression. What results after several generations of such repressiveness is the world so often portrayed in DeLillo’s work. It should come as no surprise that he was drawn to Lee Harvey Oswald’s story when he wrote “Libra.” That book was part of the basis for the Oliver Stone film, “JFK.”
There are those who feel literature should portray likable characters that make them care what happens. While it is certainly valid to want to like the subject of care, it is sometimes far more interesting to follow the exploits of someone you wouldn’t necessarily want to know in real life. A good example of this “Cosmopolis.”
Focusing on a day in he life of a self-made dot.com type billionaire, Cosmopolis is a surrealist’s foray into self-awareness and painful epiphany. As with much of DeLillo’s work, there is a pervasive disconnect between the subject and the reader. The same theme can be found in his seminal “White Noise.”
DeLillo is an acquired taste in our cookie-cutter happy ending world but one well worth investing in~
Recommended DeLillo Reading List:
White Noise
The Body Artist
Libra
Cosmopolis
Falling Man
A darling of the literary world, he may not be as well known as he should be among mainstream fiction readers. His books sell well but they aren’t sensationalistic or daring in a carnival-like attention grabbing sense.
Instead, he tends to write from the internal world, where many readers have no interest in journeying. Much like a poet, DeLillo delves deeply into the hidden revelations that are always present around us but rarely seen. His novels tend to present the world as a realm of alienation and desperation, where human experience is increasingly becoming less meaningful as technology and distance separate us from the core of our reality.
The easy way to dismiss the fact that he isn’t a household name is to say his writing isn’t for everybody. That statement does a disservice to not only the writer but also potential readers. While it may be true that the average person reads for sheer escapism, I tend to think that’s because they haven’t been taught to do anything else. Americans live in a pop culture defined by popularity and readily accessible, disposable media experiences. Pausing to think is often frowned upon, as it tends to interfere with the bottom line.
What corporations want people to start questioning the isolated aspects of suburban life and consumerism? The only time they might is when they’re marketing corporate-sponsored “rebellion” to teenagers in the forms of popular music and fashion. But adults are supposed to be discouraged from questioning their environments. Adults are supposed to muddle through life without wondering why and take the occasional break for pure escapist fun.
Nothing wrong with escapism. Human beings need to escape from time to time. What is wrong, however, is the marginalization of freedom of expression. What results after several generations of such repressiveness is the world so often portrayed in DeLillo’s work. It should come as no surprise that he was drawn to Lee Harvey Oswald’s story when he wrote “Libra.” That book was part of the basis for the Oliver Stone film, “JFK.”
There are those who feel literature should portray likable characters that make them care what happens. While it is certainly valid to want to like the subject of care, it is sometimes far more interesting to follow the exploits of someone you wouldn’t necessarily want to know in real life. A good example of this “Cosmopolis.”
Focusing on a day in he life of a self-made dot.com type billionaire, Cosmopolis is a surrealist’s foray into self-awareness and painful epiphany. As with much of DeLillo’s work, there is a pervasive disconnect between the subject and the reader. The same theme can be found in his seminal “White Noise.”
DeLillo is an acquired taste in our cookie-cutter happy ending world but one well worth investing in~
Recommended DeLillo Reading List:
White Noise
The Body Artist
Libra
Cosmopolis
Falling Man
Saturday, May 23, 2009
MY FAVORITE JOKE:
God, I wish I could remember the name of the comedian who told this joke but it's been so long since I saw him perform it on TV that I truly have no idea. However, I do remember the basics of the joke and why it has stuck with me all these years. To paraphrase:
The comedian was doing a show in the deep south and decided to go to one of those waffle houses they seem to love so much for breakfast. The "waffle waitress" as he referred to her took his order and he started reading a book he'd brought.
"Lookit him," someone in he restaurant said. "He's got him a book!"
Someone else stood up, hands on hips, and said, "Looks like we got us a reader."
Baffled, the comedian gazed about the room as the waffle waitress returned with his coffee and stared at him with squinty eyes. "What'choo readin' a book fer?" she asked.
The comedian shrugged. "I don't know...so I won't have to become a waffle waitress!"
The comedian was doing a show in the deep south and decided to go to one of those waffle houses they seem to love so much for breakfast. The "waffle waitress" as he referred to her took his order and he started reading a book he'd brought.
"Lookit him," someone in he restaurant said. "He's got him a book!"
Someone else stood up, hands on hips, and said, "Looks like we got us a reader."
Baffled, the comedian gazed about the room as the waffle waitress returned with his coffee and stared at him with squinty eyes. "What'choo readin' a book fer?" she asked.
The comedian shrugged. "I don't know...so I won't have to become a waffle waitress!"
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
MY NOVEL "DREAMERS AT INFINITY'S CORE"
Prominently displayed at the Ann Arbor, MI. book festival. The novel is now offically out but it will be a few weeks before copies can be ordered by the general public.
I have a few copies for friends & family & am very pleased with the way it turned out~
Thursday, May 14, 2009
RECOMMENDED READING LIST:
10 novels that will change your life, realign the stars and help you figure out why there’s always for Jell-O.
(I chose to refrain from any reviewing of these books and provide only brief plot descriptions so you can make up your own minds. If you require any assistance with that, I’ll gladly do the thinking for both of us---enjoy)
RANT by Chuck Palahniuk- Can one attain immortality by going back in time and killing one’s self? That is just one of the many concepts explored in this tale of dysfunctional people who enjoy getting into car accidents.
GHOST ATLAS- by David Mitchell- An author known for his ability to interweave seemingly disparate storylines into a strangely cohesive final moment that one can blink and miss, this is Mitchell’s epic take on several different characters separated by time but perhaps not by spirit.
THE BODY ARTIST- by Don DeLillo- A surreal take on a grieving female artist living with a strange man who may or may not be the remaining essence of her deceased husband.
TERRORIST by John Updike- The literary master weaves a tale of corrupted innocence as we get to watch a young American boy of Middle Eastern descent drawn into a maze of deceit and propaganda.
IT’S SUPERMAN! By Tom De Haven- Perfect savior from Krypton? Not so much in this re-imagining of the famous tale of the immigrant from the stars. In this version he’s kind’ve dumb and simple and seems to stumble into his destiny like a rhino in a photo booth. Any character actor would kill to get the Lex Luthor part in this book.
THE PISTOL POETS by Victor Gischler- A fast-paced journey into the violent lives of, of all things, a poetry professor, a drug dealer using a dead man’s identity to get into college and a host of supporting characters with chips on their shoulders, this one is a page-turner.
THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO BIFF, CHRIST’S CHILDHOOD PAL by Christopher Moore- The author brings his special blend of irreverence and life-loving prose to the so-called “missing years” of Jesus’ life.
OH THE GLORY OF IT ALL! By Sean Wilsey- The first of my two non-fiction selections, this one traces the life of the author whose background includes a mother who created a peace movement and a father whose lack of interest causes some truly fascinating moments.
A MAN WITHOUT A COUNTRY by Kurt Vonnegut- Supposedly Vonnegut’s “last book” until his latest last book came out a few months ago, Vonnegut expresses his sorrow and disgust at the direction the U.S. had taken during the Bush years in ways both humorous and depressing.
THE ADVENTURES OF KAVALIER & CLAY by Michael Chabon- A tale of two Jewish kids in New York in the 1930’s, one American the other a Polish refugee from Nazi occupation, who create a popular superhero called The Escapist. Uniquely accessible to readers of all tastes.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
THE FIRST 100
3 novels I could not finish reading & why
It is well known in the fiction writing world that writers get three chapters to dazzle a potential publisher before their life’s work is tossed into the scrap pile. That’s why most literary agents request that we only send the first three chapters, the conventional wisdom being that no worthwhile novel can survive the grim specter of short attention spans beyond that point.
I find that to be a gross and often inaccurate generalization based, no doubt, more on reluctance to invest the amount of time and effort necessary to truly discern whether or not a novel is worthwhile. In other words, it’s far easier to insist upon a system than to pour through piles and piles of potential time-wasters.
In my opinion, one cannot really know whether or not someone’s book is a waste of time until somewhere around the 100-page mark. I write that with the full knowledge that the average person doesn’t have the attention span to read that many pages of a book that isn’t grabbing them.
I have chosen three novels from years gone by that I stopped reading at the 100-page mark. They are “Creature” by John Saul, “Angels & Demons” by Dan Brown & the first Dresden Files novel entitled, “Storm Front.”
“Creature” by John Saul- Synopsis: The author has often, perhaps harshly, been referred to as the poor man’s Stephen King. His stories tend to be similar in theme if not tone and nobody can deny his huge success in the horror field. Unfortunately, “Creature” was a misfire that affected my views on Saul for years to come. The novel takes place in one of those small towns where football is the main religion and those who don’t play it or like it are ostracized. In traditional Dean Koontz style, there is a secret laboratory creating…wait, this is a John Saul novel, right? So I guess he bears a resemblance to two established authors. Anyway, the geeky teenage protagonist fits within the latter category, much to the chagrin of his old-fashioned thinking father. The secret lab might have the answer, though. They are pumping kids full of all sorts of steroids and other enhancements in an effort to create the perfect physical specimens. Naturally, something goes horribly wrong when the geeky kid undergoes the procedures.
Reason I Stopped Reading: At some point along the way, I stopped enjoying the premise and realized there was little else tying the events of the story together. All the clichés were there, including the “beautiful” girl the protagonist can’t have and the abusive jocks that see him as a flyspeck on the wall. The story is supposed to pick up once he becomes the creature of the title but sadly it goes nowhere fast, descending into adolescent angst and revenge fantasies. Around page 100, I grew tried of being inside this self-pitying protagonist’s mind and of the fact that nothing was happening except cardboard cutouts were being given dialogue and closed it never to open it again. Anyone I’ve ever challenged to read this book has had the exact same reaction to it.
“Angels & Demons” by Dan Brown- Synopsis: Contrary to the order of film release, this is Robert Langdon’s first adventure in the revised history universe of Dan Brown’s apparent quest to convince us that all history is BS. In this novel, Langdon is recruited to assist with the investigation of murders being committed in Vatican City during the selecting of the new Pope. Naturally, this is no simple case. In a bizarre and woefully inaccurate portrayal of the Illuminati as angry freethinkers bent on revenge, Brown creates elaborate deaths for priests as Langdon…sigh…races against time to solve the mystery.
Reason I Stopped Reading: This one was loaned to me a few years ago by a co-worker who didn’t want it back. She claimed to really enjoy it though and considered it to be quite the page-turner. I suppose if one can define that as the reader flipping through pages to find the interesting parts, she was correct. I have so many issues with Brown’s writing that it would take an entire post or twelve to truly illustrate all of them. Suffice to say in this case the “Davinci code” prequel is filled with so many clichés that it becomes almost amusing to read along and predict the next turn of events. From the “beautiful” female academic to the stern yet reasonable security force officer and the times murders our heroes arrive to mere seconds too late, this novel comes off as a first term creative writing assignment. Brown’s annoying tendency to throw in often incorrect historical factoids is bad enough, but portraying the Illuminati as this wrongfully persecuted group of well-meaning scientists from the Middle Ages ignores all evidence of an occult connection. The Catholic Church is a big ol’ easy target and Brown has no problem with descending to the lowest common denominator to sell books.
“Dresden files: Storm Front” by Jim Butcher-Synopsis: Recently two of the writers in my writers workshop who also happen to be associated with COM Publishing handed me the first two “Dresden Files” novels, sure that I would love them as much as they did. For those unfamiliar with this bestselling fantasy series, it revolves around a modern-day wizard who advertises his services and works as a consultant to the local police department.
Reason I Stopped Reading: Harry Dresden uses his magic for…well, as of this writing I don’t know what he uses his magic for. 100 pages in and he has yet to use it. That’s not the only issue I have with this book. The characterizations are annoyingly bland. Dresden is a pantywaist that spends all of his time dreading normal things like women and electronics. Apparently a wizard can’t use things like TV’s and computers because of the energy they generate. A pretty cool gimmick that, but this novel is nothing but gimmicks. The murder mystery is interesting enough but it doesn’t go anywhere. Dresden is a weenie and not likable in the slightest and his supporting cast of cynical women and one cynical man and an animated skull that employs flat sarcasm makes it feel more like a cheesy TV show than a novel. One of the workshop writers informed me that the first two novels aren’t that great but it really picks up after that. I am not a series reader. I rarely invest in anything that is longer than a trilogy (see earlier posts for more on this) and I don’t see enough in the concept to make me want to read further. F. Paul Wilson’s “Repairman Jack” series has nothing to worry about.
As you can see, these three novels are very different from each other but they do share one common thing: They all did extremely well. Despite my dislike of them and my theory that 100 pages is enough to determine the potential lousiness of a novel, these three books are very popular.
Imagine, then, how many great novels have been overlooked or discarded because of the three chapter rule~
It is well known in the fiction writing world that writers get three chapters to dazzle a potential publisher before their life’s work is tossed into the scrap pile. That’s why most literary agents request that we only send the first three chapters, the conventional wisdom being that no worthwhile novel can survive the grim specter of short attention spans beyond that point.
I find that to be a gross and often inaccurate generalization based, no doubt, more on reluctance to invest the amount of time and effort necessary to truly discern whether or not a novel is worthwhile. In other words, it’s far easier to insist upon a system than to pour through piles and piles of potential time-wasters.
In my opinion, one cannot really know whether or not someone’s book is a waste of time until somewhere around the 100-page mark. I write that with the full knowledge that the average person doesn’t have the attention span to read that many pages of a book that isn’t grabbing them.
I have chosen three novels from years gone by that I stopped reading at the 100-page mark. They are “Creature” by John Saul, “Angels & Demons” by Dan Brown & the first Dresden Files novel entitled, “Storm Front.”
“Creature” by John Saul- Synopsis: The author has often, perhaps harshly, been referred to as the poor man’s Stephen King. His stories tend to be similar in theme if not tone and nobody can deny his huge success in the horror field. Unfortunately, “Creature” was a misfire that affected my views on Saul for years to come. The novel takes place in one of those small towns where football is the main religion and those who don’t play it or like it are ostracized. In traditional Dean Koontz style, there is a secret laboratory creating…wait, this is a John Saul novel, right? So I guess he bears a resemblance to two established authors. Anyway, the geeky teenage protagonist fits within the latter category, much to the chagrin of his old-fashioned thinking father. The secret lab might have the answer, though. They are pumping kids full of all sorts of steroids and other enhancements in an effort to create the perfect physical specimens. Naturally, something goes horribly wrong when the geeky kid undergoes the procedures.
Reason I Stopped Reading: At some point along the way, I stopped enjoying the premise and realized there was little else tying the events of the story together. All the clichés were there, including the “beautiful” girl the protagonist can’t have and the abusive jocks that see him as a flyspeck on the wall. The story is supposed to pick up once he becomes the creature of the title but sadly it goes nowhere fast, descending into adolescent angst and revenge fantasies. Around page 100, I grew tried of being inside this self-pitying protagonist’s mind and of the fact that nothing was happening except cardboard cutouts were being given dialogue and closed it never to open it again. Anyone I’ve ever challenged to read this book has had the exact same reaction to it.
“Angels & Demons” by Dan Brown- Synopsis: Contrary to the order of film release, this is Robert Langdon’s first adventure in the revised history universe of Dan Brown’s apparent quest to convince us that all history is BS. In this novel, Langdon is recruited to assist with the investigation of murders being committed in Vatican City during the selecting of the new Pope. Naturally, this is no simple case. In a bizarre and woefully inaccurate portrayal of the Illuminati as angry freethinkers bent on revenge, Brown creates elaborate deaths for priests as Langdon…sigh…races against time to solve the mystery.
Reason I Stopped Reading: This one was loaned to me a few years ago by a co-worker who didn’t want it back. She claimed to really enjoy it though and considered it to be quite the page-turner. I suppose if one can define that as the reader flipping through pages to find the interesting parts, she was correct. I have so many issues with Brown’s writing that it would take an entire post or twelve to truly illustrate all of them. Suffice to say in this case the “Davinci code” prequel is filled with so many clichés that it becomes almost amusing to read along and predict the next turn of events. From the “beautiful” female academic to the stern yet reasonable security force officer and the times murders our heroes arrive to mere seconds too late, this novel comes off as a first term creative writing assignment. Brown’s annoying tendency to throw in often incorrect historical factoids is bad enough, but portraying the Illuminati as this wrongfully persecuted group of well-meaning scientists from the Middle Ages ignores all evidence of an occult connection. The Catholic Church is a big ol’ easy target and Brown has no problem with descending to the lowest common denominator to sell books.
“Dresden files: Storm Front” by Jim Butcher-Synopsis: Recently two of the writers in my writers workshop who also happen to be associated with COM Publishing handed me the first two “Dresden Files” novels, sure that I would love them as much as they did. For those unfamiliar with this bestselling fantasy series, it revolves around a modern-day wizard who advertises his services and works as a consultant to the local police department.
Reason I Stopped Reading: Harry Dresden uses his magic for…well, as of this writing I don’t know what he uses his magic for. 100 pages in and he has yet to use it. That’s not the only issue I have with this book. The characterizations are annoyingly bland. Dresden is a pantywaist that spends all of his time dreading normal things like women and electronics. Apparently a wizard can’t use things like TV’s and computers because of the energy they generate. A pretty cool gimmick that, but this novel is nothing but gimmicks. The murder mystery is interesting enough but it doesn’t go anywhere. Dresden is a weenie and not likable in the slightest and his supporting cast of cynical women and one cynical man and an animated skull that employs flat sarcasm makes it feel more like a cheesy TV show than a novel. One of the workshop writers informed me that the first two novels aren’t that great but it really picks up after that. I am not a series reader. I rarely invest in anything that is longer than a trilogy (see earlier posts for more on this) and I don’t see enough in the concept to make me want to read further. F. Paul Wilson’s “Repairman Jack” series has nothing to worry about.
As you can see, these three novels are very different from each other but they do share one common thing: They all did extremely well. Despite my dislike of them and my theory that 100 pages is enough to determine the potential lousiness of a novel, these three books are very popular.
Imagine, then, how many great novels have been overlooked or discarded because of the three chapter rule~
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
FAREWELL, MR. DELUISE
I just watched him in "Smokey & the Bandit II" the other night. This happened to me once before. I had this odd urge to watch "Running Scared" with Billy Crystal & Gregory Hines, a film I hadn't thought of in years. Two days later Hines died. I wouldn't be a writer if this didn't inspire a story idea.
Deluise was such a gifted comedic actor, the last of a dying breed including the late, great Harvey Korman. Although he hadn't worked in well over a decade, he shall be missed terribly~
Thursday, April 30, 2009
IT WASN'T ME!!!
My friend and colleague Nora Cook Smith often talks about Googling herself. I giggle like a sheltered Mormon teen every time she says it because she makes it sound so dirty (sorry, Nora). However, not to be outdone, I decided to do some self-Googling as well. I found that my name seems to be synonymous with...how shall I put it? Interesting individuals...yeah, that's it.
Here are some examples:
http://www.nashuatelegraph.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080826/NEWS01/21457
Excerpt: Christopher MacLeod, of 17A Oliver St. in Hudson, and Christopher Nadeau, of 20 Tanglewood Way in Merrimack, were initially charged in May following an undercover police investigation called Operation Spring Cleanup.
http://www.staffordcountysun.com/scs/news/local/article/man_gets_55_years_in_prison/14790/
Excerpt: [Christopher] Nadeau was accused in the death of 2-year-old Zoe Zimmerman, of Stafford, according to court records.
http://www.sunjournal.com/story/216116-3/LocalSports/Seeking_Maines_biggest_turkey/
Excerpt: (My favorite) With Maine's spring turkey season over, an interesting situation is developing over who can claim the state record wild turkey. Thus far, two hunters have stepped forward with truly braggable birds, with statistics that appear to eclipse previous state records.
The two hunters are Christopher Nadeau, a U.S. Navy Petty Officer from Brunswick, and Mark Norwood of Trenton.Nadeau, a bow hunter, was hunting in Wells.
And finally,
http://outandaboutnewspaper.com/article.php?id=1867
Excerpt: Members of the NGLBTCC event's committee include Burkett, David Lazarus, Christopher Nadeau, Angie Petty and Toni Pack
I assure you I am not a drug dealing, child murdering, turket shootin' gay teen! I've never shot turkeys or attacked a child in my life!!!
Here are some examples:
http://www.nashuatelegraph.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080826/NEWS01/21457
Excerpt: Christopher MacLeod, of 17A Oliver St. in Hudson, and Christopher Nadeau, of 20 Tanglewood Way in Merrimack, were initially charged in May following an undercover police investigation called Operation Spring Cleanup.
http://www.staffordcountysun.com/scs/news/local/article/man_gets_55_years_in_prison/14790/
Excerpt: [Christopher] Nadeau was accused in the death of 2-year-old Zoe Zimmerman, of Stafford, according to court records.
http://www.sunjournal.com/story/216116-3/LocalSports/Seeking_Maines_biggest_turkey/
Excerpt: (My favorite) With Maine's spring turkey season over, an interesting situation is developing over who can claim the state record wild turkey. Thus far, two hunters have stepped forward with truly braggable birds, with statistics that appear to eclipse previous state records.
The two hunters are Christopher Nadeau, a U.S. Navy Petty Officer from Brunswick, and Mark Norwood of Trenton.Nadeau, a bow hunter, was hunting in Wells.
And finally,
http://outandaboutnewspaper.com/article.php?id=1867
Excerpt: Members of the NGLBTCC event's committee include Burkett, David Lazarus, Christopher Nadeau, Angie Petty and Toni Pack
I assure you I am not a drug dealing, child murdering, turket shootin' gay teen! I've never shot turkeys or attacked a child in my life!!!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
ODE TO FICTIONAL GANGSTERS
We all know at least five of them. We all owe at least three of them favors. They are like guardian angels that would just as soon break our arms if we disrespected them, which makes them Old Testament angels. To know them is to love them and to love them is to get whacked.
Of course I’m talking about mobsters and the love they inspire in us all. Having recently gotten back into “The Sopranos” reruns courtesy of my library, I started thinking: What is it about these scumbags we find so darned fascinating? Is it the lifestyle, the attitude, the feeling of being allowed inside to see a secret society? How should I know? I don’t get paid to write these things!
However, in the fine dual traditions of American obsession with criminals and lists, I thought I’d compile a list of the top ten movie & TV gangsters of all time.
10. BIG PUSSY- For the name alone, this guy deserves to be on the list. It’s so much fun to say. He only ranks tenth because he’s a henchman but his tenure on “The Sopranos” revealed a character with surprising depth and an inherent likeability. Watching him betray his childhood friend is actually painful for the viewer.
9. SONNY STEELGRAVE- What a great name, huh? It makes no sense when considering he’s supposed to be a member of La Cosa Nostra, but the first story arc of the acclaimed “Wiseguy” series was more about archetypes than accuracy. And Ray Sharkey’s portrayal of a multi-faceted mobster on the rise is as memorable as his suicide scene when he realizes his best friend was a federal agent.
8. PAUL VITTI- The idea of a mobster seeing a psychiatrist for panic attacks was prime comedy subject mater before The Sopranos made it a serious plot point. Billy Crystal is unfairly disregarded when the “Analyze This/That” films are discussed because Deniro’s channeling of every gangster he ever portrayed into one bundle of hilarious, disturbing neurosis is a fitting swan song to that period of his career.
7. CAGNEY’S PUBLIC ENEMY CHARACTER- Define tragedy: An angry youngster with no way out of the life he chose headed for a fall. That might sound like a cliché but it wasn’t in the 1930’s. The idea of the tragic gangster was a new one in those days, meaning Cagney had nothing to draw from when he brilliantly portrayed his tortured Irish wiseguy.
6. RAY LUCA- In the days before episodic story arcs were all the rage, the Michael Mann produced Anthony Yerkovich create “Crime Story” told the ongoing tale of tough cop Michael Torello and up and coming gangster Ray Luca in stylish fashion. Luca was an Italian wiseguy who hooked up with the Jewish mob in the 1960’s to forge a potentially powerful empire stretching from Chicago to Las Vegas. Despite the fact that he was a worthless psychopath, Luca’s character was so cool you couldn’t help but care what happened to him.
5. EG ROBINSON (KEY LARGO)- The only Bogie film that rivals “Casablanca” in its greatness, Key Largo concerns a bunch of mismatched characters trapped in a hotel in Florida during hurricane season and the unfortunate arrival of banished gangster Johnny Rocco portrayed with brilliant relish by Edward G Robinson. It’s obvious his character is a sort of “what if Al Capone had survived” and he plays a man desperate to reclaim his kingdom with a dark, desperate intensity. Best. Performance. Ever.
4. FAT TONY- He advertises his services in churches. He once tried to convince a courtroom that Bart Simpson was the Don of Springfield. He helped Marge establish a pretzel wagon empire by muscling out other snack merchants. Every time he is seen at the bottomless pit, he and his boys are throwing a tightly wrapped “carpet” into it. Voiced by Joe Montegna, Fat Tony epitomizes every Mafia stereotype in a way that’s actually charming. It was only a matter of time before he was shown driving through the streets of Springfield with a cigar jutting from his mouth to the Sopranos theme song.
3. TONY SOPRANO- Just when we thought the Mafia was old hat, they pulled us back in! Creator David Chase found a way to breathe new life into a tired genre by introducing us to a conflicted mobster whose desire to provide a normal life or his family creates an avalanche of disasters. We get to see his dysfunctional childhood, his horrible mother and conniving sister and the daily pressures of the life he lives. I won’t say he’s likable but “compelling” is an accurate word choice.
2. MICHAEL CORLEONE- Talk about your Shakespearean tragedies! Mario Puzo’s book describes Al Pacino’s iconic heir apparent to the Corleone throne as vaguely effeminate and in no way interested in being part of the Family Business. But the untimely butchering of his hotheaded brother and attempted murder of his father drives Michael away from his wholesome life-path and on a direct heading for Mobsterville. Even by the underrated third film he still thinks he can get out, but yet another tragic death (this one his fault) destroys all hope for redemption and he dies a sad, withdrawn old man.
1. JABBA THE HUTT- I saved the best (and fattest) for last. Nobody can match Jabba’s greatness. He’s a giant worm and he still rules the galactic underworld with an iron…claw? This is a gangster who lives in a palace, for god's sake! He’s referred to as “exalted” and gets to watch chicks dance for his pleasure at night before feeding them to a mutated carnivorous beast. Shall I even bother to mention that Jedi mind tricks don’t work on him? Who hasn’t daydreamed about that very same life?
Of course I’m talking about mobsters and the love they inspire in us all. Having recently gotten back into “The Sopranos” reruns courtesy of my library, I started thinking: What is it about these scumbags we find so darned fascinating? Is it the lifestyle, the attitude, the feeling of being allowed inside to see a secret society? How should I know? I don’t get paid to write these things!
However, in the fine dual traditions of American obsession with criminals and lists, I thought I’d compile a list of the top ten movie & TV gangsters of all time.
10. BIG PUSSY- For the name alone, this guy deserves to be on the list. It’s so much fun to say. He only ranks tenth because he’s a henchman but his tenure on “The Sopranos” revealed a character with surprising depth and an inherent likeability. Watching him betray his childhood friend is actually painful for the viewer.
9. SONNY STEELGRAVE- What a great name, huh? It makes no sense when considering he’s supposed to be a member of La Cosa Nostra, but the first story arc of the acclaimed “Wiseguy” series was more about archetypes than accuracy. And Ray Sharkey’s portrayal of a multi-faceted mobster on the rise is as memorable as his suicide scene when he realizes his best friend was a federal agent.
8. PAUL VITTI- The idea of a mobster seeing a psychiatrist for panic attacks was prime comedy subject mater before The Sopranos made it a serious plot point. Billy Crystal is unfairly disregarded when the “Analyze This/That” films are discussed because Deniro’s channeling of every gangster he ever portrayed into one bundle of hilarious, disturbing neurosis is a fitting swan song to that period of his career.
7. CAGNEY’S PUBLIC ENEMY CHARACTER- Define tragedy: An angry youngster with no way out of the life he chose headed for a fall. That might sound like a cliché but it wasn’t in the 1930’s. The idea of the tragic gangster was a new one in those days, meaning Cagney had nothing to draw from when he brilliantly portrayed his tortured Irish wiseguy.
6. RAY LUCA- In the days before episodic story arcs were all the rage, the Michael Mann produced Anthony Yerkovich create “Crime Story” told the ongoing tale of tough cop Michael Torello and up and coming gangster Ray Luca in stylish fashion. Luca was an Italian wiseguy who hooked up with the Jewish mob in the 1960’s to forge a potentially powerful empire stretching from Chicago to Las Vegas. Despite the fact that he was a worthless psychopath, Luca’s character was so cool you couldn’t help but care what happened to him.
5. EG ROBINSON (KEY LARGO)- The only Bogie film that rivals “Casablanca” in its greatness, Key Largo concerns a bunch of mismatched characters trapped in a hotel in Florida during hurricane season and the unfortunate arrival of banished gangster Johnny Rocco portrayed with brilliant relish by Edward G Robinson. It’s obvious his character is a sort of “what if Al Capone had survived” and he plays a man desperate to reclaim his kingdom with a dark, desperate intensity. Best. Performance. Ever.
4. FAT TONY- He advertises his services in churches. He once tried to convince a courtroom that Bart Simpson was the Don of Springfield. He helped Marge establish a pretzel wagon empire by muscling out other snack merchants. Every time he is seen at the bottomless pit, he and his boys are throwing a tightly wrapped “carpet” into it. Voiced by Joe Montegna, Fat Tony epitomizes every Mafia stereotype in a way that’s actually charming. It was only a matter of time before he was shown driving through the streets of Springfield with a cigar jutting from his mouth to the Sopranos theme song.
3. TONY SOPRANO- Just when we thought the Mafia was old hat, they pulled us back in! Creator David Chase found a way to breathe new life into a tired genre by introducing us to a conflicted mobster whose desire to provide a normal life or his family creates an avalanche of disasters. We get to see his dysfunctional childhood, his horrible mother and conniving sister and the daily pressures of the life he lives. I won’t say he’s likable but “compelling” is an accurate word choice.
2. MICHAEL CORLEONE- Talk about your Shakespearean tragedies! Mario Puzo’s book describes Al Pacino’s iconic heir apparent to the Corleone throne as vaguely effeminate and in no way interested in being part of the Family Business. But the untimely butchering of his hotheaded brother and attempted murder of his father drives Michael away from his wholesome life-path and on a direct heading for Mobsterville. Even by the underrated third film he still thinks he can get out, but yet another tragic death (this one his fault) destroys all hope for redemption and he dies a sad, withdrawn old man.
1. JABBA THE HUTT- I saved the best (and fattest) for last. Nobody can match Jabba’s greatness. He’s a giant worm and he still rules the galactic underworld with an iron…claw? This is a gangster who lives in a palace, for god's sake! He’s referred to as “exalted” and gets to watch chicks dance for his pleasure at night before feeding them to a mutated carnivorous beast. Shall I even bother to mention that Jedi mind tricks don’t work on him? Who hasn’t daydreamed about that very same life?
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
QUOTE OF THE MONTH
"If this is the best of all possible worlds, what are the others like?"
-voltaire
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